So long, Safe!

"Safe?  said Mr. Beaver; "don't you hear what Mrs. Beaver tells you?  Who said anything about safe?  'Course he isn't safe.  But he's good.  He's the King I tell you."

~C.S. Lewis, The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe

~

"For the Lord is good; His lovingkindness is everlasting, and His faithfulness to all generations."

Psalm 100:5

Most of us could say we are creatures of comfort by nature.  If it contributes to our physical ease and well-being, we are the first in line.  We find safety in what can be carefully thought out and planned, when risks can be managed and collateral damage can be minimized or not exist all together... Maybe I'm fooling myself when I refer to "most of us" as being this way.  Quite honestly, if you took a look at my nuclear family, I am what my spunky grandmother probably would have referred to as a "fuddy-duddy".  I'm not sure what that means or even if it's a real word, but I'm pretty sure I am one.  On the other hand, my husband, Matt actually told me once while careening down a ski slope that if there's no potential of fatality or dismemberment, what you're doing can't really be classified as having fun.  (My descent was more of a cart-wheeling than careening after being talked into the black diamond...in Colorado, people.)  My daughter, Hannah would like to go skydiving for her 18th birthday because I can no longer legally forbid it at that point, and my son, Sam thinks it's "safe" to dive headfirst into a pool as long as there's an adult present to dial 911 if he doesn't resurface.  This is what I have to compete with, folks. 

Below is the story of how God taught me that "safe" is not always "good", and that comfort is not what He calls me to. 

I'll never forget that text.  I remember where I was and what I was doing.  Something about it made me pause and take the time to grasp that it wasn't just a friend making a request, it was God asking our family to step outside our comfort zone and to be open to changing our lives forever.

A week later we met the girl who would move into our home within a month and into our hearts forever.  Our biggest mistake was thinking we were doing this for her.  God did this for her.  He did this for us.  And in the midst of it all, He grew our family in ways we might never have known we needed.  I hope one day Tatyana will share her story here.  For now, I'll share mine...

The last two years have been a lesson in letting go of comfort and predictability and instead embracing the uncomfortable, the at times awkward, even painful, and DEFINITELY the unpredictable.  Of greater importance though, these years have been a divine invitation to step outside what was safe, for what was good.

"When did we start believing God wants to send us to safe places to do easy things?  That playing it safe is safe?  That radical is anything but normal?  Jesus didn't die to keep us safe.  He died to make us dangerous.  Faithfulness is not holding the fort.  It's storming the gates of hell.  The will of God is not an insurance plan.  It's a daring plan.  And the complete surrender of your life to the cause of Christ isn't radical.  It's normal.  It's time to quit living as if the purpose of life is to arrive safely at death."  ~Mark Batterson, All In

I am ALL ABOUT the comfort.  All.  About.  It.  The stillness of the house as I sit alone in my favorite chair with my coffee and watch the world wake up outside my window could probably be classified as one of my favorite moments of each day.  Also of note: I am a FAN of preparedness, quite possibly it's most faithful supporter.  I will not even proceed to the speaker at a drive-thru before all orders for those in the car are received and meticulously cataloged into my brain so I can reiterate them seamlessly to the faceless voice coming through the box.  (You're welcome.)  If my level of preparedness for going through the drive-thru at a fast food restaurant has such lofty standards, just imagine the amount of control and preparation I prefer to employ in situations of even greater consequence!  My comfort level in most situations (Okay, ALL situations.)  is directly proportional to the amount of control I can exert over my surroundings and circumstances.

For anyone who's ever had a house guest, especially one who walks through your door as a relative stranger, you know that comfort may not be the first word that describes your family's actions and interactions in those initial moments and days.  The perfect marriage, the perfect children, the perfect dog, the perfect meals--can all exist for a time, propped up as a facade against the real life backdrop of imperfections, disagreements, frustrations and meals from the frozen aisle at Walmart.  (Because it's soccer season and who has time to be Betty Crocker??  Am I right?!)  In order to maintain our sanity and to not slip into some robotic conformist, Stepford version of ourselves, and because we knew God was calling us all to something deeper, we knew Tatyana could not just be our long-term guest, she had to be part of our family.  If you asked, our kids would probably tell you that there are some benefits to being part of our family, but they'd also tell you there are plenty of boundaries.

So here's the thing about parenting a daughter who comes to you at 16...  I had no idea how to respond to someone who would tell me, in no uncertain terms, that she did what she wanted, when she wanted.  Up till this point, I'd somehow been able to fool myself into believing that I had some modicum of control over the children I'd raised from birth.  The idea that they "belonged" to me simply because we were legally bound together by a piece of paper and a set of genes gave me the false notion that I was somehow in control.  How was I to be a mom to someone who could walk out the door at any point she decided she'd had enough of us?  And still be safe.  That sounded like a dangerous kind of love.  A risky kind of love.  Would God really ask me to give my whole self to her as a mom, even if she never responded as a daughter?  Never recognized or valued the love behind the boundaries and structure?  He would.

So here's the thing about parenting...  No child who enters our sphere of influence ever truly belongs to us.  Nor do the relationships we form with them exist merely for our fulfillment.  Each is a gift, for a blink-of-an-eye moment in time, that God has entrusted to our care.  There are no givens.  There are no guarantees.  Just the directive to love them and lead them in such a way as to point them to a Heavenly Father.  Who just happened to give His whole self to them in the form of His Son, Jesus Christ.  Offering up His life even to those who may never respond as a son or a daughter.  When we choose to step outside of what's comfortable, what's safe--to value the relationships we're given as God honoring opportunities to give up the blindness called self in order to truly see another--we reflect (though imperfectly!) God's own redemptive love for us.

Who could honestly raise their hand and excitedly shout, "Oooh!  Pick me!  Pick me!", when asked to leave their comfort zone?  You certainly wouldn't find me bouncing out of my chair.  It's so much easier to depend on myself, to control the controllable and to avoid the things that require something outside myself.  The things that could wreck me.  If an unrefined metal had a physical being to feel pain, or a soul to ache at a loss, it would not easily choose the refining fire that would burn away the impurities, leaving behind the precious metal of true worth.  It's the same with me.  I can't envision the perfection God is drawing me to.  I just see what I know, what I can predict.  But when I only surround myself with what's comfortable, I forfeit the heights to which God longs to bring me.  No growth happens where I'm comfortable.  Comfort doesn't provide the friction necessary to smooth the rough edges most prone to trip me up.  Comfort allows the growth of pride that so often tempts me to think that somehow I'm doing all right on my own.  The past two years have taught me to be brave enough to at least slip my hand up in hesitant surrender to the One who gave His all for me.  

Here's the best part.  When I've given up control.  When I've made myself available.  When I've said "yes" to His ask.  I'm no longer responsible for the outcome.  It doesn't depend on me.  It depends on Him.  The only thing He really asked of me was my obedience and the willingness to trust that He is good, even when the things He calls us to aren't safe.  The hardest parts of the past two years have come when I mistakenly thought it was up to me.  If I said the right thing, did the right thing, read the right thing...  Only God is in the business of changing hearts.  We are to be about the business of loving in the midst of the muck, the mess and the madness.  To empty ourselves in the loving, knowing He is faithful to fill.  "Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance."  1 Corinthians 13:7

"Humbly let go.  Let go of trying to do, let go of trying to control, let go of my own way, let go of my own fears.  Let God blow His wind, His trials, oxygen for joy's fire.  Leave the hand open and be.  Be at peace.  Bend the knee and be small and let God give what God chooses to give because He only gives love and whisper a surprised thanks.  This is the fuel for joy's flame.  Fullness of joy is discovered only in the emptying of will.  And I can empty.  I can empty because counting His graces has awakened me to how He cherishes me, holds me, passionately values me.  I can empty because I am full of His love.  I can trust." ~Ann Voskamp, One Thousand Gifts

Counting His Graces

1.  I've been reminded of what a great partner my husband is.  He is everything that I am not in all the good ways.  Without him I am only half the equation.  I consider our relationship a place of refuge and refueling when we've spent ourselves on the things that matter to God.  I more highly value the "just us" times having been given a deeper understanding of how it makes for a better "them".

2.  I've gotten to watch as Hannah & Sam have given themselves completely to loving Tatyana as a sister.  Never once reserving a part of themselves.  Never once complaining of getting "less" of us.  Not simply enduring, but enjoying her as part of our family.  They've learned that a house is just a house, but a HOME is what we share with others because it's true value comes in it's sharing.

3.  Trials.  Yep.  Trials.  I love Ann Voskamp's quote above and how she refers to trials as the "oxygen for joy's fire".  There have been tears-the kind that wrack your body with sobs you can't control.  There have been late nights, sleepless nights, looong nights.  There have been loud arguments, there has been silence-the kind you tiptoe around because something might break if you don't.  We've been stretched.  She's been stretched.  She ran away.  I ran away.  BUT.  That was all the set-up for the joy to come.  And not just any old run-of-the-mill joy.  The fire of joy.  It's all consuming, it brings tears to your eyes, spilling over because you just can't contain it when you see the goodness of the Lord.  And speaking of...

4.  God allowed me the opportunity to have a front row seat in order to witness the softening of what was once hardened.  From the day we met her, Tatyana has always been this larger than life, center of the action, inquisitive, spirited and dynamic girl.  Those are things easily evident to anyone who's spent even a few minutes with her.  Beyond all that there was a wealth of beauty we'd sometimes catch glimpses of, just waiting to be let loose from deep within a heart that had over the years built a fortress around itself in order to survive.  Only God could have breached those walls.  And when He did, it was one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen.  There is a beauty that goes way beyond skin deep that shines in her eyes now.

"I prayed to the Lord, and He answered me; He freed me from all my fears.  Those who look to Him for help will be radiant with joy; no shadow of shame will darken their faces."  Psalm 34:4-5

5.  My faith has been strengthened as I've watched His faithfulness to another as a result of obedience.  He did not call me to something I could do.  He called me to something He could do.

6.  Our family has expanded to include another.  Something we'd have never experienced were it not for God weaving our lives together in a way only He could do.  Our lives are richer today because we can share each other's joys and burdens.

7.  We are more prepared today than we were two years ago for whatever is next.  I know this, I trust this because God does not waste a single opportunity.  Those things that pass through His hand to touch our lives are sent by a loving Father who sees what we do not, who understands what we cannot and who knows what we need before we may even recognize our neediness.  We may not know what's next.  We may not know what it requires.  But we do know that when God is in the growing business, He's not growing us and stretching us to plop us back in our comfy chair. 

So long, Safe!

Holiness, not safety is the end of our calling." ~Lilias Trotter

Happy Birthday, America! Well, sort of anyway...

I guess it all depends on whether you consider the birth of our nation to have occurred in 1765 upon the start of the American Revolution, when the American colonists rejected the authority of the British Parliament to tax them... Or in 1775 at the start of the American Revolutionary War... Orrrr in 1783 at the war's end with the signing of the peace treaty confirming the new nation's complete separation from the British Empire.

July 4, 1776 is actually a date tucked amidst all that upheaval and unrest on which the Declaration of Independence was signed by the Continental Congress declaring that the colonies were free and independent states.  So, I guess the argument could be, were we born as a nation when we declared we were?  Or when we actually were?  I digress...I may be losing some of you here.

Since when do you write a blog about history, Johanna?  Let's leave that to the professionals.

Anyway, that's not really the point I'm getting at here.  For the sake of argument (or non-argument?), let's just say today is our nation's birthday.  The birth of our freedom as a people from what once ruled over us.  The commencement of our staking a claim on our unalienable Rights to Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.  I was pondering on this today...In the Declaration of Independence these Rights are stated to have been endowed to us by our Creator.  This begs the assumption that we just possess these things by nature of them being given.  Yet, so much of what consumes our nation's attentions and efforts in recent weeks, months and years reflects more of a grasping for what's fleeting, what's just out of reach.

Life...I mean, that's fairly simple.  We have it.  Well, until we don't.  Liberty...mostly simple.  We have freedom...but in most cases, only so far as that freedom doesn't encroach upon another's freedom.  Now.  The pursuit of Happiness.  That sounds nice.  But fleeting, so temporary.  The idea of having to pursue it, to chase after it, to possibly never catch it.  To not just have been "endowed" with Happiness, only the pursuit of it, lends one to suppose that the Happiness referred to cannot simply be endowed.

One has to find it?..  Make it?..  Take it?.. 

Or maybe those who drafted this Declaration knew it's fatal flaw.  Life for one could be the death of another.  One man's freedom could be another's chains.  One woman's oppression could be another's security.  Ultimately, what brings happiness to one could cast a shadow of sorrow on another.  So they settled on the Right to pursue it, not the promise of attaining it.  I'm no historian.  Just a thinker of thoughts.

Don't misread my intent, I love my Country tis of Thee, Sweet Land of Liberty.  But I am flawed. Our forefathers were flawed.  Their Declaration was flawed.  Our systems are flawed.  We are flawed.  So we pursue, but don't procure.  We grasp, but never gain.  All we can mirror here is but a mere, muddied reflection of what our citizenship elsewhere could be.

"So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed."  John 8:36

When He declares us free, we are actually free.

"For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery."  Galatians 5:1

Which leads me here: One Man's chains actually meant my freedom.  Not just a freedom in which mine only reaches as far as yours begins.  But true freedom, one that endows me with eternal Life, Liberates me from being enslaved by my sinful desires, and sets in me a deep, abiding Joy that defies situation and circumstance and makes the pursuit of Happiness pale in comparison.  It's in the security of this freedom that I can choose, if necessary, to lay aside my unalienable Rights as a citizen of this world in order to experience a freedom this nation can only declare, never deliver.

“I have the right to do anything,” you say—but not everything is beneficial. “I have the right to do anything”—but not everything is constructive.  No one should seek their own good, but the good of others.  1 Corinthians 10:23

"But when one turns to the Lord, the veil is removed.  Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.  And we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another. For this comes from the Lord who is the Spirit."  2 Corinthians 3:16-18

May I be more concerned with my response to the One who purchased my ultimate freedom than grasping for the rights and freedoms of this age that I'd gladly lay down in exchange for what was bought with a price no one else could ever pay.

"Therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, I urge you to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God; this is your spiritual worship.  Do not be conformed to this age, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may discern what is the good, pleasing, and perfect will of God.  For by the grace given to me, I tell everyone among you not to think of himself more highly than he should think. Instead, think sensibly, as God has distributed a measure of faith to each one."  Romans 12:1-3

Uncomfortable Grace

The last straw probably had to have been the lightning that struck the imposing giant of metal scaffolding that had obscured the front of our house, casting a dark shadow into our torn up dining room for 6 long weeks... 

Check out that curbside appeal! ;)

It had been 3 years, almost to the day, since moving into our beautiful, new home.  While we had built a house before and understood the unforeseen issues that can arise after moving in, nothing had prepared us for the ensuing months and years following our move into our house in Virginia.  What began as seemingly just a small leak, stretched on into the span of 3 full years of our house being in a constant state of repair and construction.  If you know me, you immediately also know that this presents a major problem for me.  When it comes to keeping my house in order and free of clutter, I jokingly refer to myself as having CDO tendencies.  Generally, the same as having OCD when it comes to needing a certain sense of order in my surroundings, but I just prefer to have the letters in alphabetical order.

I might have survived, unscathed, the first flooding of our fully finished basement had it not been for the second flooding of our basement.  And I might have survived, maintaining a certain modicum of grace, one rebuilding of the entire front wall of our house had it not been for the 2nd...and 3rd thru 8th rebuilding of the same wall.  In hindsight, both issues pointed to a relatively simple fix involving proper drainage from our gutters and adequate flashing for a small section of our roof where it met the wall.  However, without the proper attention from someone who understands these kinds of things, relatively simple things can turn into major issues.  Let's just say that when we moved in, our builder moved on.  (Maybe I do still maintain a certain modicum of grace.) ;)

Talk about open air living...this was the night we spent w/ nothing but a sheet of plastic between us & the coyotes, snakes & whatever/whoever else.  I told myself we were camping.

The drama that unfolded around us as our house seemed to rue the day we ever moved in, was only eclipsed by the drama that unfolded from my own heart.  Please, all of you who read my words, offer my husband your deepest sympathies for experiencing the latter of his "for better or worse" promise for most of our 3-year house saga.

My need for order comes from an unhealthy tendency to think that if I can control the inanimate things around me, it will help bring order and control to that which I cannot control, whether it be situations or people.  When my perceived ability to control my surroundings by keeping order in my home was taken away, there were some ugly tendencies revealed in my character.  Worse, it became apparent that I was foolishly placing my trust in and gaining security, albeit a false sense of security, from a source that would never prove trustworthy.

It was late at night on a long drive that it became abundantly clear to me that my focus was all wrong.  A song entitled "Blessings" by Laura Story, that I'd probably heard a few dozen times, was playing on the radio and I was caught off guard by the immediate perspective the simple lyrics gave me:

We pray for blessings, we pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
And all the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

 

We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love
As if every promise from Your word is not enough
And all the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

 'Cause what if your blessings come through rain drops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

I had been asking God to send someone to fix our house, just PLEASE!  Once and for all, fix our house!  Complaining to Him, and anyone else who would listen, about all the things we were having to deal with as a result of the carelessness and lack of concern of someone else.  All the while ignoring His gentle whisper of, "It's YOU I want to fix."  When all was said and done, the house was the easy fix.  The ugliness of the areas needing refining in me had been proving more difficult.

Each time it rained I would run to the areas of the house we were having trouble with, desperate to see exactly where the problem was originating from and hoping to alleviate any further damage that would undoubtedly come from the rain.  I found myself in the most precarious of positions, perched atop the "do not stand or sit" rung of a ladder that was never tall enough to see what I needed to see.  Balanced on the tippy-toes of one foot while the rest of my body clung to our roof line, one arm outstretched with my phone trying to get pictures and video of exactly what was happening...all during a wind and rain storm.  The scaffolding that sat outside our house for weeks on end at a time became my jungle gym as I would carelessly scale up and down it, trying to understand what I couldn't see.  Rain woke me up at night and I couldn't sleep until it stopped.  If I was away from our house and a substantial rain storm came through, I needed to rush home to make sure nothing was leaking.  I hated the rain.  I cursed the rain.  I certainly wasn't thankful for it. 

Who needs a water-tight wall when a towel will suffice?!

Who wouldn't pay for these views!

It's funny what a simple change in perspective can do for our sanity.  God knew I was allowing myself to trust in a false sense of security that would never bring me to a place of complete peace despite my circumstance.  Having my house in order was of least importance when it came to making it a home for my family and a place of refuge or warmth for anyone else who might enter.  God was trying to loosen my grip on what was of least importance in order to allow me to cling to what was of greatest importance.  He needed to get my attention in the area of where I was finding my security.  He knew my security in "things" and having them in order would never help me weather the storms in life that would undoubtedly arise.

The spirit of grumbling that had become a dark cloud over my life dissipated as an attitude of gratefulness took it's place.  It had been tempting for me to view our difficulties as a possible lack of faithfulness on God's part, rather than a sign of His love for me.  I don't know what the future holds for our family.  God does.  He also knows that placing my security in anything other than Himself will not serve me well in any situation.  He loves me enough to address my foolishness amidst times of little consequence, like a leaky house, in order to prepare me to better weather times of greater consequence when they come.  These moments of difficulty were exactly where God wanted me to be.  Not because He was toying with me or had any ill-intent...but quite the opposite.  Only He knows the extent to which I can be focused on what I think is important rather than the big picture of what truly is important.  In His love for me, He allows me to go through difficulty in order to fully develop the character in me that He knows I'll need to fulfill any calling He places on my life.

On the same late-night trip that I finally allowed the meaning in the words of the Laura Story song to take root, I also heard a sermon on the radio given by pastor, author and speaker, Paul David Tripp. His timely words gave me a glimpse of what God had been giving me all along.  "Between the already and the not yet, God will take you where you haven't intended to go in order to produce in you what you could not achieve on your own.  It's called uncomfortable grace."

Given the choice, I would rather ask for the kind of grace that will magically pluck me out of any difficulty and somehow manage to mold me into the woman God intends for me to be, than this sort of "uncomfortable" grace that demands personal refinement.  How short-sighted of me to think that this sort of refining could come without difficulty.  When precious metals are refined, they are done so through fire.  It is the fire itself that removes the impurities that if left alone would devalue the precious metal.  So it is with us.  If we allow God to use our difficulties for His purpose, He can produce in us such a thing of value and beauty that we could never achieve on our own while trying to stick to things that we embrace as familiar, comfortable and safe.  He loves us too much to allow us to settle for a lesser version of our God-designed intended selves.

"So be truly glad.  There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you have to endure many trials for a little while.  These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold—though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world.  You love him even though you have never seen him. Though you do not see him now, you trust him; and you rejoice with a glorious, inexpressible joy.  The reward for trusting him will be the salvation of your souls."  1 Peter 1:6-8

 "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.  Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1:2-4

If I am going to experience trials, troubles and heartaches as a fact of this fallen life, why not allow the Creator of the universe, the One who sees the end from the beginning, to lovingly assign purpose and worth to those things in order to better equip me for what may come tomorrow?  Not all of the tough and sometimes heart-wrenching things that come my way are directly from His hand, some are a result of my own or others choices. But when those difficult things are placed IN His hands, not a single one is wasted or without a redeeming purpose.

"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

When life gives you lemons...let the kids pretend it's a playground. (Kids, don't try this at home.) ;)

Too quickly I forget that God's priority is not to change my circumstances so that I can be happy.  Instead, He desires to change me through my circumstances so that I can be holy.  Becoming more like Him produces in me not just happiness that can come and go depending on what's happening, but an unspeakable joy that is unshaken by mere circumstance.  I want what's easy.  God wants what's best.  

In his book, "Broken-Down House", (ironic?...maybe, ha!) Paul David Tripp states, “The fact that you live in a broken-down house in the midst of restoration makes everything more difficult. It removes the ease and simplicity of life. It requires you to be more thoughtful, more careful. It requires you to listen and see well. It requires you to look out for difficulty and to be aware of danger. It requires you to contemplate and plan. It requires you to do what you don't really want to do and to accept what you find difficult to accept. You want to simply coast, but you can't. Things are broken and they need to be fixed. There is work to do.”  

More important than the restoration happening in the house around me, was the restoration that needed to happen inside of me.  I was allowing my circumstances to produce in me something that was ugly, rather than something of beauty.  I am broken.  I will always be broken until the day Christ returns and restores to wholeness all that was broken when we chose to leave the path of what was truly best, for what seemed best in our own eyes at the time.  Because I am broken, my tendency will always be to want what is easier over what is best.  My prayer though is that when difficulty comes, as it surely will, that I will quickly recognize it as an opportunity for growth and refinement, accepting the grace that my Heavenly Father so lovingly extends, uncomfortable as it may feel in the moment.  

May my "broken-down house" always be progressing toward a thing of beauty that more closely reflects the wealth of grace I've been given.  

Look closely for the house plant placed atop the scaffolding in a moment of obvious insanity.  My attempt at sprucing up the place. :)

The scaffolding became a makeshift aviary of sorts on which birds of a feather would flock together, dive-bombing our windows and making (more of) a mess of our front entryway.  You can see how well my attempt at scaring them away with a rubber snake worked...

"It is beautiful when the Master chisels.  God doesn't allow the unglued moments of our lives to happen so we'll label ourselves and stay stuck.  He allows the unglued moments to make us aware of the chiseling that needs to be done.  So instead of condemning myself with statements like, 'I'm such a mess', I could say, 'Let God chisel.  Let Him work on my hard places so I can leave the dark places of being stuck and come into the light of who he designed me to be.'  God is calling us out-out of darkness, out from those places we thought would never get better, out of being stuck...He knows best how to prepare in us the character we need to fulfill our calling."   

(from Ch. 3 of "Unglued" by Lysa Terkeurst)

“It is a sweet thing that we serve a dissatisfied God who has destinations in mind for us that we would never choose for ourselves. It really is a good thing that he will not be satisfied until he has gotten us exactly where he created us and re-created us to be. Most of us would have been satisfied to stay at home, and many of us would have quit the journey long before it was completed. But our heavenly Father won't give up until each one of his children has completed the journey.” 

(from "A Quest For More: Living For Something Bigger Than You" by Paul David Tripp)

We're all runners...

"Do you not know that in a race all runners run, but only one gets the prize?  Run in such a way as to get the prize."  ~1 Corinthians 9:24

Like any community which knits itself together with the thread of common bonds and shared interests, the running community is no different.  I guess, in part, this is why the news of the bombings at the Boston Marathon tied a stone to my heart that made it sink to my gut.  

 

In a race you can be shoulder to shoulder with a stranger and still feel you're with a friend.  There's an unspoken understanding among you that badges of honor here come in the form of blisters, callouses and missing toenails.  A shared sense that we all run because we need to.  We want to.  We get to.  A mutual foreboding that the coming miles will be painful and horrible, yet instantly and gloriously forgotten the moment your mind and heart drags your body across the finish line.  

I'm angry.  But I don't hate you because you took something I love and tried to smash the simplicity and joy of it to pieces.  I grieve for your soul because it's so dark and twisted with evil.  Unable to strive for something out of love or dedication, you instead seek to destroy the very heart of those who are braver than you.  Stronger than you.  You think your acts of terror make you strong and free.  You think you weaken us and shackle our feet with your fear.  You are wrong.  It is you who are bound by your heart of stone and your caged soul.  

You know nothing of runners.  Though our body may be broken, we run on.  Though logic says "you'll never make it, sit down and quit", we run on.  We've learned the lesson that our body will always reach the point of exhaustion, so we've trained our minds to press on toward our goal.  We run these streets.  You do not.

We are all runners here.  We live life shoulder to shoulder, with those we sometimes share nothing in common with but our desire to endure and to finish well the race set before us.  So let's run!  Run for the freedoms that are despised by those who think terror will cause us to stumble and forget why we run.  Run for the finish that far outweighs the struggles of the moment.  Run because you need to.  You want to.  You get to.

"Do you see what this means-all these pioneers who blazed the way, all these veterans cheering us on?  It means we'd better get on with it.  Strip down, start running-and never quit!  No extra spiritual fat, no parasitic sins.  Keep your eyes on Jesus, who both began and finished this race we're in.  Study how he did it.  Because he never lost sight of where he was headed-that exhilarating finish in and with God-he could put up with anything along the way: Cross, shame, whatever.  And now he's there, in the place of honor, right alongside God.  When you find yourself flagging in your faith, go over that story again, item by item, that long litany of hostility he plowed through.  That will shoot adrenaline into your souls!" 

~Hebrews 12:1-3 (The Message)

"Why do you say, 'My way is hidden from the Lord; my cause is disregarded by my God'?  Do you not know?  Have you not heard?  The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth.  He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom.  He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.  Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." 

~Isaiah 40:27-31

Good Gifts

"Only You are my Lord!  Every good thing I have is a gift from You."  

Psalm 16:2

It was the winter of 2010.  Only about a month before, we had firmly decided that come summer we would make the move to Virginia.  We didn't normally get much snow where we were living at the time in Maryland, but that winter we had a couple big storms, one which brought about 3 feet of snow with it.  With all the inconveniences one could imagine with that amount of snowfall, it was instead the blessing of life slowing down and coming to a halt that stood out for us as a family.

  

(our dog, Butterball, may have considered all the snow more of an inconvenience than we did.)

At the time, we were living in a neighborhood that these days you don't always find.  In the warmer weather, you'd find a bunch of the kids playing a rowdy game of kick-the-can at the end of the court.  Or an impromptu bonfire with whoever happened to be around on a long, lazy summer evening.  Some of our best friends lived just a few houses down from ours and our children spent hours upon hours together between our two houses.  That particular winter, having so much snow and being unable to leave the neighborhood for days, became just another reason to connect with neighbors and enjoy an unhurried pace that usually eluded our day to day busy lives.

The kids played together, sledding down hills and building snow forts.  We had hot chocolate parties in the middle of the day and spent hours playing games together instead of catching up on laundry, running the vacuum or various other mundane tasks that usually eat up so much of the day leaving little room for much else.  No school.  No work.  Just room for relationship.  We couldn't leave to buy food so we would bring what we had and meet in someone's home for dinner.  It was one of these "potlucks" that brought my Mayberry musings to a screeching halt.

Somewhere amidst the laughter around the table, a niggling thought began taking root in my mind.  "Enjoy this now.  This doesn't happen everyday.  This is a once-in-a-lifetime-neighborhood kind of experience...you'll never find this again."  Up till that point, while the idea of a move naturally caused me some anxiety, I had for the most part been able to focus on what we would gain from the new place and not what we would lose leaving the old.  In that moment I resolved to hold close those memories being made, assuming that no matter what good things came our way, we would quite possibly never have the blessing again of what our neighbors had become to us.  While I believed God had and would again richly bless us in friendship, I didn't even think to ask for friends that were just a doorway or two away.  That would just be too much to ask...

Wouldn't it?

(One of my most favorite pictures of our son and his neighborhood friend that captures the precious treasure our families felt we had in each other)

After our move I determined to not cling to the expectation that God would meet my need for friends in the ways He had before.  I wanted to let go and trust my Creator to be...well, creative. :) (If home is where the heart is...when will my heart realize my body has already moved?)  I began to look for opportunities to make myself available to the ways in which He might work.  Feeling like I had lost part of my identity in the move,  (Knickers and Knowing Who I Am)  I began to pursue things that I wouldn't mind being defined by here, in the new place.

I've always run.  I've just never been known as "The Runner".  In fact, back in high school, once my younger (and faster) sister was old enough to run on the same cross-country team that I ran on, and began beating me...soundly, I gave up cross-country for soccer.  "If you can't beat 'em, leave 'em."...Isn't that how the saying goes? ;)  Anyway, about 7 or 8 months after moving to Virginia and feeling like we had settled into most things as far as routine and daily life go, I decided "The Runner" was something I should add to my meager list of remaining identifying characteristics.  Not usually one to do something half-way once committed, I signed up and began training for a half-marathon and a 10 mile race.

  

On a whim, and at the suggestion of my dentist (Go figure...but hey, at that point my dentist was probably one of the few people who knew me "well" in our new town.  Ha!),  I signed up for a second half-marathon that is run each year locally just minutes from our house.  Rather than plugging my ears and blocking out the world as usual with my headphones, I decided to run with only the soundtrack of my feet on the pavement and the runners around me.  Somewhere around mile marker 4, God gave me a friend. :)  As we chatted about the mundane and found some things in common, 6 miles vanished under my feet.  Before I knew it, we were at mile 10 with only 3.1 miles to go and my body had no recollection of the miles I'd just run, only the conversation I'd enjoyed.  Thankful for the distraction, we both finished the race and exchanged last names so we could find each other on Facebook and maybe get together to run every now and then.

Last month marked a year since that race.  Amanda and I have run together most weekends since, with only a few weeks break as we both recovered from stress fractures...one of the natural consequences of being "The Runner". :)  We've never chatted over a cup of coffee or met for a day of shopping, but the hundreds of miles we've run together over the last year have knit us together all the same.  With each mile, as the distance grew behind us, a friendship grew between us.  I hadn't thought to ask for a friend to run with, but God provided one just the same while showing me that His provision doesn't always come in the ways we expect or are used to.  My desires and perceived needs can change daily depending on how my life is going at any given moment and my surrounding circumstances.  I'm thankful for a Gift Giver who is always aware of my true need.

"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows." James 1:17

(when we least expect it, God shows up, filling an empty place we may never have even thought to ask Him to fill)

~

Writing this blog as a journal of sorts, to chronicle my family's transition to a new place, started out as a way to be able to look back.  I had a sense that the coming months and years would provide many an opportunity for God to show Himself faithful to our family.  I didn't want the years to slip by while growing comfortable in a new place, not taking the time to acknowledge God's hand in the day to day moments that spoke of His constant grace and provision in our lives.

"Not to us, Lord, not to us but to your name be the glory, because of your love and faithfulness."  Psalm 115:1

As it would turn out, God used the recounting of His faithfulness to us in order to give our family the very thing we never expected to experience twice...

Our kids had just completed their first year at the new school.  We were a little over a month away from the one year anniversary of our move.  I found myself in that sort of awkward and unscripted transition between feeling welcomed to a new place, and feeling like you belonged.  That period of time where you stop looking to others to welcome you and start looking for someone to welcome.  I'm sure the length of time it takes to make this transition varies for everyone.  I don't suppose there's any particular magic formula, other than just getting to a point where you remember well what it's like to be the "new girl" and desire to be a friendly face to someone else who finds herself in that place.  To be frank, I think I was in the process of relearning to focus on others instead of myself.

"...in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others." Philippians 2:3-4

I was checking my email one evening and came across a message from an address I didn't recognize with the subject line, "Your Blog".  Curious, I opened the email and began reading.  "...I thought I would write to say hello and let you know that I stumbled upon your blog..."  As I continued to read I learned that the writer had just moved to Lynchburg with her family 2 weeks before... "I know with blogging, sometimes you wonder if anything you say is being heard or if you're just typing your thoughts into cyber space.  I wanted to let you know that at least for one Friday evening, a year after you typed it, your feelings of first moving here encouraged a new soul to the Lynchburg community."  Beyond just being encouraged myself by her kind words, I had no idea the Good Gift that would come as a result of that email from a complete stranger.

Fifteen months later, Christina is a dear friend...and my NEIGHBOR!!!  Long story short, after exchanging a few emails, our families got together for dinner.  It was then that we learned they had actually been considering buying a house that was just starting to be built in our neighborhood, unaware previously that we in fact lived there as well.  I began a nightly campaign that included sending them pictures of the beautiful sunsets behind the mountains, including messages like, "this could be your view every evening...". :)

I think that out of all Gods abundant provision for us surrounding this move so far, that His gift to us of the Moores has been an example to me of how God desires to bless us beyond what we could ever hope or imagine with Good Gifts tailored not just to meet our specific need for a particular moment, but even our wants at times.

"Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us, to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever!  Amen."  Ephesians 3:20-21

The Moores have been such a treasured blessing to us.  I've felt spoiled many a time this past summer as I watched their kids and ours running back and forth between our houses, enjoying each others company from the moment they woke up till they were forced back home to their own beds at night.  I'm thankful for the shared burden of a million trips back and forth to school each week. :) Impromptu dinners in the middle of a full week, or the friendly, family rivalry of a quick volleyball game in the backyard as the sun is setting and another day comes to a close, give us an excuse and a reminder to not get so wrapped up in the busyness that surrounds every family these days.  God didn't have to give us dear friends, with the added convenience of having them also be our neighbors, as He had done before.  He certainly had proven up to that point that He was more than capable of providing dear friends everywhere we went, in all manner of ways.  But He chose to.  He is a giver of Good Gifts.  And sometimes I feel as if He simply blesses us for no other reason than to remind us of His tremendous love for us.

"If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask Him!" Matthew 7:11

When I stop to consider this, I am overwhelmed by my Savior who left heaven in order to come close to His children, extending the Good Gift of salvation to all who would accept it, so that we could be His "neighbors" one day.  May this serve as a reminder to me, when I think I know what I need, or selfishly beg for what I want, that it is my Father in heaven that sees the end from the beginning and has treasures in store that I am often too short sighted to see.

"Praise the Lord, my soul, and forget not all His benefits-...who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's."  Psalm 103:2,5

"For the Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord bestows favor and honor; no good thing does He withhold from those whose walk is blameless.  Lord Almighty, blessed is the one who trusts in You." Psalm 84:11-12
~

What keeps us from HOME?

A few weeks ago, it was quite literally an abandoned, mangy and hungry yellow lab mix that kept us from home...

It had been raining all evening and our daughter, Hannah, had just sat down to relax and watch a little TV when her eyes were drawn to the window by another pair of eyes staring back at her from out on our deck.  Nose pressed to the window, the stray dog begged her with his eyes to come rescue him.  At first glance, this story may lead one to believe that this was the beginning of a beautiful friendship between our family and this down on his luck mutt...

...I beg of you to read further... :)

While initially I had been drawn in by this dog and the way he would wait all day (sometimes by the front door facing the road) in expectation of our return, I soon began having to intricately plot both our plan of escape from our home and our hopefully, unnoticed return.  In fact, it became such an ordeal to leave or return that I soon began leaving for the day in the early morning and finding things to do that would keep me away from the house until I absolutely had to be home in the evening. 

We learned very quickly that this dog did NOT like to be left.  While trying to get in the car to leave that evening, he came bounding around the side of the house, running full force and dodging past me to leap into the car claiming my seat before I could even get a foot in the door. 

 (in reality, this was NOT as endearing as it looks!)

After finally coaxing him out and everyone else squeezing in through barely opened doors, he began to circle our car so that I couldn't even back down our driveway.  When he would pass between the front of our car and the garage, his larger than life shadow was cast on the garage door by the beams of the headlights making us feel like we were in a tense scene from a movie in which a family is held helplessly captive by some monstrosity of a beast as he circles, just waiting for the moment when human flesh will emerge.  We finally were able to escape that evening by shutting him in our garage while we safely backed down the driveway.  Our morning plan of escape began with us whispering and tiptoeing around the house as we got ready for the day in the hopes of not waking the sleeping beast out on our deck.  I was having to add an average of 10-15 minutes to our schedule in order to still leave for school on time with the intricate planning of our escape.  While the kids finished getting ready, I would sneak out to the car with their backpacks and anything else we'd need for the day and then back the car all the way down to the end of the driveway.  This usually woke the dog as the sound of our garage door opening was like an alarm to him.  I would race back into the house before the dog could come running around the side and throw open the door to the refrigerator in search of anything I could distract the dog with long enough for the kids to get into the car and for us to leave the driveway.  On one particular occasion it was the homemade chicken noodle soup from our neighbor...this mangy beast was eating as well as we were!  I would take whatever food I could find and stand at the door to the deck poised and ready while the kids assumed their positions at the door to the garage.  Simultaneously, we would open our respective doors.  I would toss out the food to the waiting beast and race back through the kitchen to join the kids in an all out sprint to the idling car.  Most mornings we would make it before the savory treat had been consumed, allowing us to not have to repeat the whole scenario with something else found in the fridge.  Upon our return, I would need to hold the dog off by swinging grocery bags or other such weapons and by angling my body in such a way across the doorway to allow for the safe passage of the kids while still keeping the dog out as he jumped and clawed all over me, desperate for a way in.  It makes me shake my head to think of the daily entertainment we were providing for our neighbors had they been looking out their curtains.  :) While we were at home the dog would circle the house, checking all the doors and windows he could reach, trying to find us.  It seemed that any window or door we passed would have his nose pressed up against it.  This became particularly unsettling at night when the last thing you'd expect to see while looking out the window would be another pair of eyes staring back at you.  I mean, not that you'd expect that during the day either, ha!  Just that something about the darkness makes one feel more skittish about such things.  One can see why, after a few days of this, I began to find every reason not to go home.

(keeping an ever watchful eye on us as we prepared for our escape)

While the memory of our stalker dog will most assuredly provide lots of laughter (and relief that he has moved on) as our family reflects on it for years to come, it has also caused me to think about the broader idea of home and what at times can keep us from it...that perfect niche carved out in life just for us by the Creator who knows us best. The place waiting for us if we'll only trust God's plan enough to sometimes follow blindly where He leads, based solely on His promise to prosper and not to harm us.  

 "'For I know the plans I have for you', declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" Jeremiah 29:11

To me, home is not necessarily always a physical place where we eat our meals and lay our head each night.  The idea of home goes beyond the brick or stone of a foundation to the roots we put down in a community, the time invested in a circle of friends and the things that surround us in the everyday that become familiar to us, give us a sense of continuity and security.  

Before moving to our current home in Virginia, I was certain that God's plan for our family could not include pulling up the roots we had already spent years tending.  It was this misled certainty that threw me into a tailspin each time my husband brought up the idea of a change.  I recently looked back through my journals to the year that Matt first began to raise the idea of moving to Virginia.  As I read through the cries of my heart toward God back then, I can easily see now how He was beginning to faithfully prepare me for expanding my idea of home and security...

~

9/17/03~God, I beg of You to grant me what you want to give me.  There are so many things I want...both material and immaterial...but underneath my emotions, my anger, my selfishness and my mistrust I want what you really want to give me.  I have to admit I'm afraid to even pray this because at the moment I'm feeling as if I will need to give up my house and many other things that I hold probably too tightly.  Remind me, God, of your love and desire for what's best for me.  Prove Yourself to me, so that my trust in You will grow...Let Your truth rearrange my priorities and change the way I think.  Give me a heart filled with Your desires.  Bless me for letting go, make Your will my prayer.  Change my heart to not hold tightly to the things of this world...

9/22/03~God, I guess the one thing I desire above most is to feel settled, secure and to have a "permanent" home.  It's possible my doubts about what You desire to bless me with have limited your goodness.  Maybe my ideas of a home and security aren't exactly what Your ideas are.  Align my heart with Yours in this area and help me to find that "settled-ness"  that my heart longs for.  Make a "home" for me that You desire...

10/25/03~God, You know the fear that may be holding me back.  I fear the feeling of being unsettled and of leaving friends.  Help me to realize that my fears are based on faulty beliefs.  Don't let my fears keep me from Your best for me.  God, if that means Lynchburg...ack!...so be it, but please change my heart in that area if it is Your will for us to go.  Remind me each day that You are my security.  Don't let me base my conclusions on simply how I feel.  Give me the answers to Your true will for our lives as a family and then give me the strength to move forward in Your will.  Release the power that my fear of insecurity and "unsettled-ness" has over me.  Even now I'm resisting what may quite possibly be Your perfect will for me out of this particular fear.  Take it from me...

11/21/03~God, You know my fears of leaving "comfort zones", most of those fears come into play when my security of home, friends and surroundings are threatening to change...help me to grow to a place where I will welcome discomfort as a chance to grow...

12/17/03~I was reminded this morning in Your word about how all Your plans for me are good and that they give me a hope and a future.  I must not completely trust that since I am far from willing to jump headlong into something new, especially when it involves packing up and going somewhere else...especially when I feel so strongly about where you've put us now and the blessing of friendship we have here.  God, I still hate the idea of Lynchburg and I don't know if it's my stubborn unfaithfulness or if it's really not meant to be, but my mind has not budged in the past months.  Don't allow me to let this cause anymore strife between Matt and I.  Help us both to see and hear You clearly.  Please give us both a clear answer or let it lie peacefully until Your perfect timing.

~

That was over 8 years ago.  In order to make what is already a lengthy story just a little longer :)...the short version is that from that period of time, God did indeed answer my prayer for a break in the strife caused between Matt and I over the differing opinions in our views for the future.  Years would go by in which I knew Matt was still thinking of what "could be" in Lynchburg, Virginia but was patiently waiting for God to speak just as clearly to me.  I have to admit I tried my stubborn best to keep my hands clamped tightly over my ears for quite some time in the hopes that I could quite possibly keep from hearing something I didn't want to hear.  But God ever so gently and lovingly removed my fingers one by one and began to teach me that He could in fact be trusted...He did in fact want what was best for me...and He did in fact know me better than I knew myself.  

"So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."  2 Corinthians 4:18

"We declare God's wisdom, a mystery that has been hidden and that God destined for our glory before time began...What no eye has seen, what no ear has heard, and what no human mind has conceived - the things God has prepared for those who love Him." 1 Corinthians 2:7,9

Now in the home we've found in Virginia, I look at all the ways God has blessed us here and shake my head at how I could have missed this home...I tried so hard to keep from coming here because of my fear of the unknown.  I created a false security around me built on current circumstances that blinded me to the unseen blessings waiting for me here.  I can't help but also think of home in the eternal sense.  While I love where we are today, I want to be wary of keeping my eyes only on the temporal.  It is my misguided faith placed in the temporary that makes me desperately cling to people or places in the hopes of finding security.  I went out on a limb over 8 years ago and decided to give God the opportunity to prove Himself faithful in this area.  While Matt and I can both attest to the fact that the living out of those years wasn't always smooth and comfortable in the moment, I can easily see as I flip through pages and pages of hand-written memories that God was always at work in the unseen and provided blessings in countless ways that I had never imagined with my limited vision of the future.

"And indeed if they had been thinking of that country from which they went out, they would have had opportunity to return.  But as it is, they desire a better country, that is a heavenly one.  Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God; for He has prepared a city for them."  Hebrews 11:15-16

What keeps you from home?  Fear...?  Pride...?  Doubt...?  Whether it's a physical place here on earth that would bring unspeakable joy and healing if we'd just surrender to the journey no matter how far, or our eternal home waiting for us in heaven...what is there to lose by surrendering to the One who sees beyond all we can see and goes before us to prepare a place with us in mind?

"Do not let your hearts be troubled.  You believe in God; believe also in Me.  My Father's house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you?  And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am.  You know the way to the place where I am going."  John 14:1-4

"I pray that out of His glorious riches He may strengthen you with power through His Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith.  And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord's holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge-that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.  Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us, to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen."  Ephesians 3:16-21