Good Gifts

"Only You are my Lord!  Every good thing I have is a gift from You."  

Psalm 16:2

It was the winter of 2010.  Only about a month before, we had firmly decided that come summer we would make the move to Virginia.  We didn't normally get much snow where we were living at the time in Maryland, but that winter we had a couple big storms, one which brought about 3 feet of snow with it.  With all the inconveniences one could imagine with that amount of snowfall, it was instead the blessing of life slowing down and coming to a halt that stood out for us as a family.

  

(our dog, Butterball, may have considered all the snow more of an inconvenience than we did.)

At the time, we were living in a neighborhood that these days you don't always find.  In the warmer weather, you'd find a bunch of the kids playing a rowdy game of kick-the-can at the end of the court.  Or an impromptu bonfire with whoever happened to be around on a long, lazy summer evening.  Some of our best friends lived just a few houses down from ours and our children spent hours upon hours together between our two houses.  That particular winter, having so much snow and being unable to leave the neighborhood for days, became just another reason to connect with neighbors and enjoy an unhurried pace that usually eluded our day to day busy lives.

The kids played together, sledding down hills and building snow forts.  We had hot chocolate parties in the middle of the day and spent hours playing games together instead of catching up on laundry, running the vacuum or various other mundane tasks that usually eat up so much of the day leaving little room for much else.  No school.  No work.  Just room for relationship.  We couldn't leave to buy food so we would bring what we had and meet in someone's home for dinner.  It was one of these "potlucks" that brought my Mayberry musings to a screeching halt.

Somewhere amidst the laughter around the table, a niggling thought began taking root in my mind.  "Enjoy this now.  This doesn't happen everyday.  This is a once-in-a-lifetime-neighborhood kind of experience...you'll never find this again."  Up till that point, while the idea of a move naturally caused me some anxiety, I had for the most part been able to focus on what we would gain from the new place and not what we would lose leaving the old.  In that moment I resolved to hold close those memories being made, assuming that no matter what good things came our way, we would quite possibly never have the blessing again of what our neighbors had become to us.  While I believed God had and would again richly bless us in friendship, I didn't even think to ask for friends that were just a doorway or two away.  That would just be too much to ask...

Wouldn't it?

(One of my most favorite pictures of our son and his neighborhood friend that captures the precious treasure our families felt we had in each other)

After our move I determined to not cling to the expectation that God would meet my need for friends in the ways He had before.  I wanted to let go and trust my Creator to be...well, creative. :) (If home is where the heart is...when will my heart realize my body has already moved?)  I began to look for opportunities to make myself available to the ways in which He might work.  Feeling like I had lost part of my identity in the move,  (Knickers and Knowing Who I Am)  I began to pursue things that I wouldn't mind being defined by here, in the new place.

I've always run.  I've just never been known as "The Runner".  In fact, back in high school, once my younger (and faster) sister was old enough to run on the same cross-country team that I ran on, and began beating me...soundly, I gave up cross-country for soccer.  "If you can't beat 'em, leave 'em."...Isn't that how the saying goes? ;)  Anyway, about 7 or 8 months after moving to Virginia and feeling like we had settled into most things as far as routine and daily life go, I decided "The Runner" was something I should add to my meager list of remaining identifying characteristics.  Not usually one to do something half-way once committed, I signed up and began training for a half-marathon and a 10 mile race.

  

On a whim, and at the suggestion of my dentist (Go figure...but hey, at that point my dentist was probably one of the few people who knew me "well" in our new town.  Ha!),  I signed up for a second half-marathon that is run each year locally just minutes from our house.  Rather than plugging my ears and blocking out the world as usual with my headphones, I decided to run with only the soundtrack of my feet on the pavement and the runners around me.  Somewhere around mile marker 4, God gave me a friend. :)  As we chatted about the mundane and found some things in common, 6 miles vanished under my feet.  Before I knew it, we were at mile 10 with only 3.1 miles to go and my body had no recollection of the miles I'd just run, only the conversation I'd enjoyed.  Thankful for the distraction, we both finished the race and exchanged last names so we could find each other on Facebook and maybe get together to run every now and then.

Last month marked a year since that race.  Amanda and I have run together most weekends since, with only a few weeks break as we both recovered from stress fractures...one of the natural consequences of being "The Runner". :)  We've never chatted over a cup of coffee or met for a day of shopping, but the hundreds of miles we've run together over the last year have knit us together all the same.  With each mile, as the distance grew behind us, a friendship grew between us.  I hadn't thought to ask for a friend to run with, but God provided one just the same while showing me that His provision doesn't always come in the ways we expect or are used to.  My desires and perceived needs can change daily depending on how my life is going at any given moment and my surrounding circumstances.  I'm thankful for a Gift Giver who is always aware of my true need.

"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows." James 1:17

(when we least expect it, God shows up, filling an empty place we may never have even thought to ask Him to fill)

~

Writing this blog as a journal of sorts, to chronicle my family's transition to a new place, started out as a way to be able to look back.  I had a sense that the coming months and years would provide many an opportunity for God to show Himself faithful to our family.  I didn't want the years to slip by while growing comfortable in a new place, not taking the time to acknowledge God's hand in the day to day moments that spoke of His constant grace and provision in our lives.

"Not to us, Lord, not to us but to your name be the glory, because of your love and faithfulness."  Psalm 115:1

As it would turn out, God used the recounting of His faithfulness to us in order to give our family the very thing we never expected to experience twice...

Our kids had just completed their first year at the new school.  We were a little over a month away from the one year anniversary of our move.  I found myself in that sort of awkward and unscripted transition between feeling welcomed to a new place, and feeling like you belonged.  That period of time where you stop looking to others to welcome you and start looking for someone to welcome.  I'm sure the length of time it takes to make this transition varies for everyone.  I don't suppose there's any particular magic formula, other than just getting to a point where you remember well what it's like to be the "new girl" and desire to be a friendly face to someone else who finds herself in that place.  To be frank, I think I was in the process of relearning to focus on others instead of myself.

"...in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others." Philippians 2:3-4

I was checking my email one evening and came across a message from an address I didn't recognize with the subject line, "Your Blog".  Curious, I opened the email and began reading.  "...I thought I would write to say hello and let you know that I stumbled upon your blog..."  As I continued to read I learned that the writer had just moved to Lynchburg with her family 2 weeks before... "I know with blogging, sometimes you wonder if anything you say is being heard or if you're just typing your thoughts into cyber space.  I wanted to let you know that at least for one Friday evening, a year after you typed it, your feelings of first moving here encouraged a new soul to the Lynchburg community."  Beyond just being encouraged myself by her kind words, I had no idea the Good Gift that would come as a result of that email from a complete stranger.

Fifteen months later, Christina is a dear friend...and my NEIGHBOR!!!  Long story short, after exchanging a few emails, our families got together for dinner.  It was then that we learned they had actually been considering buying a house that was just starting to be built in our neighborhood, unaware previously that we in fact lived there as well.  I began a nightly campaign that included sending them pictures of the beautiful sunsets behind the mountains, including messages like, "this could be your view every evening...". :)

I think that out of all Gods abundant provision for us surrounding this move so far, that His gift to us of the Moores has been an example to me of how God desires to bless us beyond what we could ever hope or imagine with Good Gifts tailored not just to meet our specific need for a particular moment, but even our wants at times.

"Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us, to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever!  Amen."  Ephesians 3:20-21

The Moores have been such a treasured blessing to us.  I've felt spoiled many a time this past summer as I watched their kids and ours running back and forth between our houses, enjoying each others company from the moment they woke up till they were forced back home to their own beds at night.  I'm thankful for the shared burden of a million trips back and forth to school each week. :) Impromptu dinners in the middle of a full week, or the friendly, family rivalry of a quick volleyball game in the backyard as the sun is setting and another day comes to a close, give us an excuse and a reminder to not get so wrapped up in the busyness that surrounds every family these days.  God didn't have to give us dear friends, with the added convenience of having them also be our neighbors, as He had done before.  He certainly had proven up to that point that He was more than capable of providing dear friends everywhere we went, in all manner of ways.  But He chose to.  He is a giver of Good Gifts.  And sometimes I feel as if He simply blesses us for no other reason than to remind us of His tremendous love for us.

"If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask Him!" Matthew 7:11

When I stop to consider this, I am overwhelmed by my Savior who left heaven in order to come close to His children, extending the Good Gift of salvation to all who would accept it, so that we could be His "neighbors" one day.  May this serve as a reminder to me, when I think I know what I need, or selfishly beg for what I want, that it is my Father in heaven that sees the end from the beginning and has treasures in store that I am often too short sighted to see.

"Praise the Lord, my soul, and forget not all His benefits-...who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's."  Psalm 103:2,5

"For the Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord bestows favor and honor; no good thing does He withhold from those whose walk is blameless.  Lord Almighty, blessed is the one who trusts in You." Psalm 84:11-12
~

What keeps us from HOME?

A few weeks ago, it was quite literally an abandoned, mangy and hungry yellow lab mix that kept us from home...

It had been raining all evening and our daughter, Hannah, had just sat down to relax and watch a little TV when her eyes were drawn to the window by another pair of eyes staring back at her from out on our deck.  Nose pressed to the window, the stray dog begged her with his eyes to come rescue him.  At first glance, this story may lead one to believe that this was the beginning of a beautiful friendship between our family and this down on his luck mutt...

...I beg of you to read further... :)

While initially I had been drawn in by this dog and the way he would wait all day (sometimes by the front door facing the road) in expectation of our return, I soon began having to intricately plot both our plan of escape from our home and our hopefully, unnoticed return.  In fact, it became such an ordeal to leave or return that I soon began leaving for the day in the early morning and finding things to do that would keep me away from the house until I absolutely had to be home in the evening. 

We learned very quickly that this dog did NOT like to be left.  While trying to get in the car to leave that evening, he came bounding around the side of the house, running full force and dodging past me to leap into the car claiming my seat before I could even get a foot in the door. 

 (in reality, this was NOT as endearing as it looks!)

After finally coaxing him out and everyone else squeezing in through barely opened doors, he began to circle our car so that I couldn't even back down our driveway.  When he would pass between the front of our car and the garage, his larger than life shadow was cast on the garage door by the beams of the headlights making us feel like we were in a tense scene from a movie in which a family is held helplessly captive by some monstrosity of a beast as he circles, just waiting for the moment when human flesh will emerge.  We finally were able to escape that evening by shutting him in our garage while we safely backed down the driveway.  Our morning plan of escape began with us whispering and tiptoeing around the house as we got ready for the day in the hopes of not waking the sleeping beast out on our deck.  I was having to add an average of 10-15 minutes to our schedule in order to still leave for school on time with the intricate planning of our escape.  While the kids finished getting ready, I would sneak out to the car with their backpacks and anything else we'd need for the day and then back the car all the way down to the end of the driveway.  This usually woke the dog as the sound of our garage door opening was like an alarm to him.  I would race back into the house before the dog could come running around the side and throw open the door to the refrigerator in search of anything I could distract the dog with long enough for the kids to get into the car and for us to leave the driveway.  On one particular occasion it was the homemade chicken noodle soup from our neighbor...this mangy beast was eating as well as we were!  I would take whatever food I could find and stand at the door to the deck poised and ready while the kids assumed their positions at the door to the garage.  Simultaneously, we would open our respective doors.  I would toss out the food to the waiting beast and race back through the kitchen to join the kids in an all out sprint to the idling car.  Most mornings we would make it before the savory treat had been consumed, allowing us to not have to repeat the whole scenario with something else found in the fridge.  Upon our return, I would need to hold the dog off by swinging grocery bags or other such weapons and by angling my body in such a way across the doorway to allow for the safe passage of the kids while still keeping the dog out as he jumped and clawed all over me, desperate for a way in.  It makes me shake my head to think of the daily entertainment we were providing for our neighbors had they been looking out their curtains.  :) While we were at home the dog would circle the house, checking all the doors and windows he could reach, trying to find us.  It seemed that any window or door we passed would have his nose pressed up against it.  This became particularly unsettling at night when the last thing you'd expect to see while looking out the window would be another pair of eyes staring back at you.  I mean, not that you'd expect that during the day either, ha!  Just that something about the darkness makes one feel more skittish about such things.  One can see why, after a few days of this, I began to find every reason not to go home.

(keeping an ever watchful eye on us as we prepared for our escape)

While the memory of our stalker dog will most assuredly provide lots of laughter (and relief that he has moved on) as our family reflects on it for years to come, it has also caused me to think about the broader idea of home and what at times can keep us from it...that perfect niche carved out in life just for us by the Creator who knows us best. The place waiting for us if we'll only trust God's plan enough to sometimes follow blindly where He leads, based solely on His promise to prosper and not to harm us.  

 "'For I know the plans I have for you', declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" Jeremiah 29:11

To me, home is not necessarily always a physical place where we eat our meals and lay our head each night.  The idea of home goes beyond the brick or stone of a foundation to the roots we put down in a community, the time invested in a circle of friends and the things that surround us in the everyday that become familiar to us, give us a sense of continuity and security.  

Before moving to our current home in Virginia, I was certain that God's plan for our family could not include pulling up the roots we had already spent years tending.  It was this misled certainty that threw me into a tailspin each time my husband brought up the idea of a change.  I recently looked back through my journals to the year that Matt first began to raise the idea of moving to Virginia.  As I read through the cries of my heart toward God back then, I can easily see now how He was beginning to faithfully prepare me for expanding my idea of home and security...

~

9/17/03~God, I beg of You to grant me what you want to give me.  There are so many things I want...both material and immaterial...but underneath my emotions, my anger, my selfishness and my mistrust I want what you really want to give me.  I have to admit I'm afraid to even pray this because at the moment I'm feeling as if I will need to give up my house and many other things that I hold probably too tightly.  Remind me, God, of your love and desire for what's best for me.  Prove Yourself to me, so that my trust in You will grow...Let Your truth rearrange my priorities and change the way I think.  Give me a heart filled with Your desires.  Bless me for letting go, make Your will my prayer.  Change my heart to not hold tightly to the things of this world...

9/22/03~God, I guess the one thing I desire above most is to feel settled, secure and to have a "permanent" home.  It's possible my doubts about what You desire to bless me with have limited your goodness.  Maybe my ideas of a home and security aren't exactly what Your ideas are.  Align my heart with Yours in this area and help me to find that "settled-ness"  that my heart longs for.  Make a "home" for me that You desire...

10/25/03~God, You know the fear that may be holding me back.  I fear the feeling of being unsettled and of leaving friends.  Help me to realize that my fears are based on faulty beliefs.  Don't let my fears keep me from Your best for me.  God, if that means Lynchburg...ack!...so be it, but please change my heart in that area if it is Your will for us to go.  Remind me each day that You are my security.  Don't let me base my conclusions on simply how I feel.  Give me the answers to Your true will for our lives as a family and then give me the strength to move forward in Your will.  Release the power that my fear of insecurity and "unsettled-ness" has over me.  Even now I'm resisting what may quite possibly be Your perfect will for me out of this particular fear.  Take it from me...

11/21/03~God, You know my fears of leaving "comfort zones", most of those fears come into play when my security of home, friends and surroundings are threatening to change...help me to grow to a place where I will welcome discomfort as a chance to grow...

12/17/03~I was reminded this morning in Your word about how all Your plans for me are good and that they give me a hope and a future.  I must not completely trust that since I am far from willing to jump headlong into something new, especially when it involves packing up and going somewhere else...especially when I feel so strongly about where you've put us now and the blessing of friendship we have here.  God, I still hate the idea of Lynchburg and I don't know if it's my stubborn unfaithfulness or if it's really not meant to be, but my mind has not budged in the past months.  Don't allow me to let this cause anymore strife between Matt and I.  Help us both to see and hear You clearly.  Please give us both a clear answer or let it lie peacefully until Your perfect timing.

~

That was over 8 years ago.  In order to make what is already a lengthy story just a little longer :)...the short version is that from that period of time, God did indeed answer my prayer for a break in the strife caused between Matt and I over the differing opinions in our views for the future.  Years would go by in which I knew Matt was still thinking of what "could be" in Lynchburg, Virginia but was patiently waiting for God to speak just as clearly to me.  I have to admit I tried my stubborn best to keep my hands clamped tightly over my ears for quite some time in the hopes that I could quite possibly keep from hearing something I didn't want to hear.  But God ever so gently and lovingly removed my fingers one by one and began to teach me that He could in fact be trusted...He did in fact want what was best for me...and He did in fact know me better than I knew myself.  

"So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."  2 Corinthians 4:18

"We declare God's wisdom, a mystery that has been hidden and that God destined for our glory before time began...What no eye has seen, what no ear has heard, and what no human mind has conceived - the things God has prepared for those who love Him." 1 Corinthians 2:7,9

Now in the home we've found in Virginia, I look at all the ways God has blessed us here and shake my head at how I could have missed this home...I tried so hard to keep from coming here because of my fear of the unknown.  I created a false security around me built on current circumstances that blinded me to the unseen blessings waiting for me here.  I can't help but also think of home in the eternal sense.  While I love where we are today, I want to be wary of keeping my eyes only on the temporal.  It is my misguided faith placed in the temporary that makes me desperately cling to people or places in the hopes of finding security.  I went out on a limb over 8 years ago and decided to give God the opportunity to prove Himself faithful in this area.  While Matt and I can both attest to the fact that the living out of those years wasn't always smooth and comfortable in the moment, I can easily see as I flip through pages and pages of hand-written memories that God was always at work in the unseen and provided blessings in countless ways that I had never imagined with my limited vision of the future.

"And indeed if they had been thinking of that country from which they went out, they would have had opportunity to return.  But as it is, they desire a better country, that is a heavenly one.  Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God; for He has prepared a city for them."  Hebrews 11:15-16

What keeps you from home?  Fear...?  Pride...?  Doubt...?  Whether it's a physical place here on earth that would bring unspeakable joy and healing if we'd just surrender to the journey no matter how far, or our eternal home waiting for us in heaven...what is there to lose by surrendering to the One who sees beyond all we can see and goes before us to prepare a place with us in mind?

"Do not let your hearts be troubled.  You believe in God; believe also in Me.  My Father's house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you?  And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am.  You know the way to the place where I am going."  John 14:1-4

"I pray that out of His glorious riches He may strengthen you with power through His Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith.  And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord's holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge-that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.  Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us, to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen."  Ephesians 3:16-21

"It takes a long time to grow an old friend" ~ John Leonard

"Just as lotions and fragrance give delight to the senses, a sweet friendship refreshes the soul." 

Proverbs 27:9

  

In recent weeks I have reflected many times on the irreplaceable gift of the friendships our family has been blessed with over the years.   Countless times we have benefited from others living out the verse in Galatians 6:2 that reads, "Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ."  Our lives are assuredly more full when we open ourselves to sharing it with those who can celebrate with us in our joys and mourn with us in our heartaches (Romans 12:15).  I've never been one to want to seclude myself from others, although I do admit that at times throughout my life, even from my earlier memories of childhood friendships, it has been easier to withdraw to surface level relationships rather than put myself out there at the risk of being hurt.  However, if I had let the fear of getting hurt always trump God's desire for me to open my life to others, I would have missed out on the refreshing of my soul that can only come from dear friends and the timeliness of a good friend's much needed advice.

In a previous blog post around this time last year, If home is where the heart is...when will my heart realize my body has already moved?, I wrote about what it felt like to live in the balance between the friends we left behind after our move and the ones yet to be made here in our new home.  A little over one year later, God has indeed proven faithful to give us more than we could ever ask or imagine when it comes to the people He has put in our path (Ephesians 3:20-21), but that's another post for another day :). Today, I want to share just a small glimpse of the kind of friends God has blessed us with in the transition from one home to another, our "middle-of-the-way" and "in between" friends. :)

"For they have refreshed my spirit and yours.  You should recognize the value of people like these."

1 Corinthians 16:18

Scot and Dee are the kind of friends you long to be with.  And when you're with them, there isn't a thought given to how late it's getting or what might need to be done in the morning.  In simple conversation, they have the gift of making you feel like whatever is going on in your life is the most important thing of the moment.  Their home is one that's warm and inviting and one cannot help but be drawn in by their hospitality and humbled by how easily they seem to share their lives with others.  Scot and Dee may not even have known it, or been purposefully mindful about it, but for Matt and I, they were a lifeline to the familiar after we moved.  Each month after our move, for 4 or 5 months in a row, they came to visit us for a weekend.  While we loved our new home, our hearts still ached for the familiarity of friends that knew us well.  I felt as if I marked time with "Before Scot & Dee's Visit" and "After Scot & Dee's Visit".  :) After a weekend with Scot and Dee, Matt and I both felt our souls had been refreshed.  We were reminded anew of the blessing that comes from opening up our lives to the people God puts in our path.  Our excitement grew over what God would be capable of doing in the future when we were reminded of how He'd blessed us in friendship before.  It couldn't have been easy for Scot and Dee to have planned so many weekends away from their own home...but we are more than grateful that they did, as they were just the bridge we needed across our "middle-of-the-way".  

Elise is just as much a part of my story today as she was 8 years ago.  No one who knew me 8 years ago would have EVER pictured me living here in Lynchburg and not wanting to be anywhere else.  Eight years ago, Matt and I were in the middle of a period of many months in which the mere mention by him of the town of Lynchburg would make me angry.  I can remember times when I'd be in the next room and hear a snippet of a conversation he was having with someone else about Lynchburg and I'd call out, "I heard that!  God may have told you that we're supposed to move there but He hasn't told me yet, so forget about it!"  I felt as if I'd married a man of many plans when all I wanted was to stick to MY plan.  I had let my fear of change and my need to be comfortable crowd out any dream that Matt might have had to follow a desire planted in his heart by God.  I can remember one night sobbing in the corner of the bathroom in a restaurant in the middle of New York City because Matt had chosen an inopportune moment at dinner during a weekend away to broach the subject again and I fled from the table in tears.  I briefly considered leaving the bathroom and leaving the restaurant entirely and wandering the streets of New York City until Matt really understood the level to which I disagreed with his leading.  :)  Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately..., the fear that I might've still been wandering those streets today, waiting for him to understand, kept me huddled in the bathroom trying to erase the tears as they continued to pour down my face.  It was in the midst of this period of disagreement between Matt and I that Elise and I went together to a Beth Moore conference in Richmond, VA.  Somewhere in the jumble of memories leading up to our move and after, the significance of that particular weekend and it's testimony of God's miraculous answer to a desperate prayer of mine got lost in the shuffle.  Just recently, Elise asked me if I could find my notes from that long ago weekend for something that she was doing.  I dug through all of my old journals trying to find them as a favor for her, having no idea that what I would actually find would be my biggest reminder yet of God's faithfulness surrounding our move to Lynchburg.

As I flipped through the pages of my scribbled notes, a small piece of paper fluttered out from between them and fell to the floor.  I picked it up recognizing Elise's familiar handwriting:

"Ok, you're not going to like this, but here's the thought that came to me.  Perhaps you are to wrestle this out with God and find your peace, your confirmation apart from Matt.  I will stand out at the edge of your 'further still' place and pray for you as you go there to fight it out with God.  And I'll be there to rejoice with you when you come out." -E

I can remember leaving for that weekend away and desperately asking God to show me some way to convince Matt that he was wrong and I was right.  My spirit was so opposed to the idea that I thought surely Matt had to be wrong in his desire to come to Lynchburg.  I felt imprisioned in the midst of the turmoil caused by Matt's and my conflicting ideas over the future, unable to convince Matt that he was wrong, and unable, or worse...unwilling, to allow myself to hear God above the roar of my feelings.  Beth Moore spent some time talking that weekend about how when we're stuck in difficult circumstances, we are not stuck there without purpose.  God is most assuredly completing something that is lacking in me when I'm in the midst of a situation that I cannot control.  She talked about the idea that it's these kinds of situations that bring out the worst in us, and for good reason.  It is God's refining of us through fiery trials that brings out the worst in us so it can be acknowledged and then done away with.  When we are refined, we can have a new response to an old situation.  Though the situation or circumstance may never change, God's priority is my response to the situation.

"In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials.  These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith-of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire-may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed."  1 Peter 1:6-7

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.  Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."  James 1:2-4

As I struggled that weekend to somehow conform God's word into what I wanted it to say for me in my situation, Elise heard the truth of what God was really saying and loved me enough to be honest with me in her note, jotted quickly on a scrap of paper.  Eight years later, as that note fluttered to my feet and I read it again, I had that feeling from within that can only be described as a bubble of joy bursting and overflowing out of my mouth in the form of praise for what God has done in my heart through these years.  Elise had no way of knowing where I'd be today.  Our friendship had been the kind where each of us could easily end up on the others doorstep in tears or in laughter, just wanting to share whatever it was on our mind.  If God were to confirm for me His desire for us to move, there would be a lot more distance between her doorstep and mine.  Yet still her prayer was that I would cast my fear and anxiety on God, rather than Matt, and her promise was to rejoice with me in the outcome whether it put distance between us or not.  Between the pages where I had tucked Elise's note, I wrote these words during that weekend eight years ago:

"Matt doesn't need to change, I need to change.  God is trying to teach me through Matt, 'the man with the plan', that my security lies only in You, God.  Give me that security, God.  Don't let me walk away unchanged from this trial.  Remind me daily that you are always accomplishing something in  me in the 'wait'.  Refine me God, get rid of my old, sinful response.  Give me a new response to the same situation.  I am here, at this point, for a reason.  Complete what is lacking in me so I may be fully used of You wherever, whatever that may be.  AMEN."

Below these words I had written a note to myself to find scriptures that spoke truth about the desires of my heart reflecting God's desires, & the trustworthiness of God to give me the desires of my heart when I hand them over to him and to then continually pray through the scriptures I found until my thoughts reflected God's own. 

"For this people's heart has become calloused; they hardly hear with their ears, and they have closed their eyes.  Otherwise they might see with their eyes, hear with their ears, understand with their hearts and turn, and I would heal them.  But blessed are your eyes because they see, and your ears because they hear."  Matthew 13:15-16

This was exactly the condition of my heart eight years ago.  I had become so wrapped up in what I wanted and what made me feel comfortable and secure that my heart had become too calloused to even be aware of what God was speaking.  I had squeezed my eyes shut tightly and covered my ears like a child having a tantrum and expected that I could continue to be content while not seeing or hearing.

"Take delight in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.  Commit your way to the Lord; trust in Him and He will do this: He will make your righteous reward shine like the dawn, and your vindication like the noonday sun.  Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him..."        Psalm 37:4-7

Everyday that I witness the beautiful rising of the sun over the mountains from the deck of our home here in Lynchburg, I am reminded anew of how faithful my God is.  He didn't just bring us here and leave me longing for what I left behind.  He opened my eyes to see and my ears to hear so that I could accept His gift of bringing us here.  He replaced my selfish desires with His desires for our family.  He knew the blessing waiting for me here and patiently held my hand through my tantrum, knowing all the while that when I got where He was leading me, I'd see the silliness of wanting to stay where I was simply because it was "safe".  He has given me the desires of my heart even when I had been willing to settle instead for my limited view of what was best.  

"'For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,' declares the Lord...'You will go out in joy and be led forth in peace; the mountains and the hills will burst into song before you, and all the trees of the field will clap their hands.'"  Isaiah 55:9,12

Never underestimate God's ability to change your heart and give you true joy in the midst of what you feared the most. When I compare the calloused heart beating inside me eight years ago, to the one that pounded loudly in my chest six years and two months later as I told Matt that I had a peace about our move, I can no longer doubt God's ability to accomplish what concerns me when I give myself completely over to His care.  I need to continue to challenge myself with this truth in other areas of my life.  I was reminded this week, in a Bible study by Angela Thomas entitled "Brave", that "God is always plotting for our joy in the unseen."  Was He ever! :)

"He brought me forth also into a broad place; He rescued me, because He delighted in me...For You light my lamp; The Lord my God illumines my darkness.  For by You I can run upon a troop; and by my God I can leap over a wall...The Lord lives, and blessed be my rock; and exalted be the God of my salvation."  Psalm 18:19, 28-29, 46

God's gift of Elise, with the right words for the right moment, is a constant reminder to me of the blessing found in a friend who is willing to speak truth to you, no matter the cost.  She pointed me in the direction of God's best for me, not even knowing herself what it would be or what it would cost her.  The result has been one of the grandest displays of God's faithfulness in my life to date.  Elise has surrounded me in my "in between".  Having known the full story of our family's journey to Lynchburg that began seven years before we ever got here, she stuck to her word and has rejoiced with me as I came out the other side. :)

Always watching...always thanking.

"Continue praying, keeping alert, and always thanking God." Colossians 4:2

This past weekend was full of friends and laughter...okay, and maybe a few tears because of an emotional movie choice. :)  It was the kind of weekend that exhausts you in the best way possible and causes you to sit back and reflect on the goodness of the gifts that God has given you in the people He puts in your path.  I am not so far removed from the "alone-ness" that can come after a major move that I can let such a weekend pass without acknowledging the blessing of being surrounded by friends.  My prayer is that I would continue to be sensitive to the work that God is doing in and around me, even as the newness here continues to fade and my life becomes increasingly full of the normal, everyday things that come with beginning to feel established somewhere. 

"I will remember your great deeds, Lord; I will recall the wonders you did in the past." Psalm 77:11

Around this time last year, I remember feeling like everything here took effort.  It was an effort that I wanted to make and most days enjoyed, yet still I longed for the comfort of the old as I lived in expectation that there would come a day when the "new" wouldn't wear me out so much.  Last fall there were days when my favorite thing to do would be to just stay at home all day while the kids were in school.  It didn't matter what I was doing, I simply found joy in being somewhere in which I didn't have to introduce myself or feel like I was always needing to figure out something new.  I think those days were good for me.  Being the new person can be exhausting and I felt refreshed by being around what was familiar and required little effort, even if for just short periods of time.  Just to be clear, if I had followed that inclination every day, I wholeheartedly believe I would have missed out on a majority of the blessings surrounding me today.  :)  I was alert then in my expectation for God to reveal Himself to me in a new way, and I am thankful today for the reminder in Colossians 4:2 to "continue praying, keeping alert, and always thanking God."  For me, one of the benefits in having to start over in a new place has been the extra sensitivity to what God was doing or going to do because I was looking for it.  I was more aware because, quite frankly, my life wasn't too full of activity to notice even the smaller meaningful things that were happening around me everyday.  It's important to me that I not lose that perspective...that expectation for God to show up in the midst of the ordinary and do something extraordinary, to take notice of it when He does, and to bring Him glory by sharing what He has done and what He is capable of.

"I will praise you, Lord, among the nations; I will sing of you among the peoples.  For great is your love, reaching to the heavens; your faithfulness reaches to the skies.  Be exalted, O God, above the heavens; let your glory be over all the earth." Psalm 57:9-11

I've been struck by my busyness lately and how quickly it can sneak up on me and leave me with no time to consider what it is that God would have me notice.  Today is a day in which I'm simply enjoying time at home, not as I did a year ago to hide-out in a sense, but to take the time to be still and allow my mind the space to wrap itself around the extent of what God is doing.  Too often, in the busyness of the everyday, I see life as a random string of events being pulled quickly past me as I try my best to just simply keep up.  When in fact those events are intricately, and purposefully woven together with glimpses of the hand of God at work if I will just take the time to notice.  There have been numerous occasions in the past that I have let an event or circumstance pass me by, whether joyful or frustrating, because I was too busy to glean from it the lesson being given.  One thing that this past year with our move has taught me is that being alert and watchful, living in expectation is how I should approach each day...not just after a move when I am waiting for God to fill the "empty spaces", but also when I've been connected to a place for many years and am tempted to allow myself to grow dull to what it is that God is accomplishing around me, what He's teaching me and how He's blessing me amidst the joys and struggles of everyday life.  The title verse that I chose for this blog is as applicable to my life today as it was over a year ago when I first began to journal my way through our family's "roadway in the wilderness"...

"Behold, I will do something new, Now it will spring forth; Will you not be aware of it?  I will even make a roadway in the wilderness, Rivers in the desert." Isaiah 43:19

My prayer is that I will never get so distracted by the busyness of the everyday that I begin to look at life as a series of meaningless events - some good, some bad - that are all just bringing me closer to an end that is just as purposeless and meaningless.  We have been created with great design and purpose, life is meant for much more than going through the motions.  I pray it is this truth that shines through my inadequate words on this page.   

"I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened, so that you may know what is the hope of His calling, what are the riches of the glory of His inheritance in the saints." Ephesians 1:18

<3

"But because of His great love for us, God who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions-it is by grace you have been saved.  And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with Him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of His grace, expressed in His kindness to us in Christ Jesus.  For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith-and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God-not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God's handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." Ephesians 2:4-10

As I was driving the other day, the lyrics to a song by Natalie Grant put a smile on my face as I reflected upon the beauty of a moment when the thoughts on my heart are reflected in the words of another and put to song.   May the "Greatness Of Our God" be what you watch and wait for.

Greatness Of Our God

by: Natalie Grant

Give me eyes to see more of who you are.

May what I behold still my anxious heart.

Take what I have known and break it all apart.

For you my God are greater still.

And no sky contains no doubt restrains all you are

the greatness of our God

I'll spend my life to know and I'm far from close to all you are

the greatness of our God.

Give me grace to see beyond this moment here.

To believe that there is nothing left to fear.

That you alone are high above it all.

And you my God are greater still.

And there is nothing that could ever separate us,

No, there is nothing that could ever separate us from your love.

No life, no death,

of this I am convinced,

You my God are greater still.

 (Tailgating this past weekend @ LU w/ many of the blessings God gave us this year) :)

I no longer need the gps to find the Roadway in the Wilderness :)

The smell of chlorine tickled my nose as the splash of water found it's way to my face.  The evening humidity draped itself over me like a damp blanket as the shouts and laughter surrounding the pool area reached my ears.  All of a sudden it hit me.  I am part of a community. :)        

Earlier this week we went to a swim meet to cheer on the children of some friends who were competing.  This may not appear to be anything earth shattering, but as I stood there surrounded by people I knew, having come to support someone else's children instead of my own, I realized for the first time that God has indeed been faithful to bring me past the place of feeling welcome, to truly feeling like I belong here.  I smile at the timing of this revelation as this weekend marks one year  since packing up our lives in Maryland and beginning to unpack them here.  It seems a funny concept to "pack up" one's life and in turn to then "unpack" it, but along with the boxes that held our earthly possessions, I feel as if we also figuratively placed our lives in a box and over the past year have slowly taken out pieces of ourselves and set them here or there in hopes of finding just the right place in which to totally feel at home.

On one hand, it seems as if the past year has flown by and it's crazy to think that all the "firsts" of the last 12 months, which at the time seemed so daunting, will now suddenly be "seconds" that aren't so intimidating.  On the other hand, picturing myself dazed and confused amid a gazillion boxes and wondering where to begin, both in the unpacking of boxes and the process of settling in, seems like a lifetime ago.  I feel at home, yet still hold on to the wonder of how blessed we are to be in this not-so-new-anymore place.  I looked back today at the previous year of posts and am thankful that I can still remember exactly how I felt a year ago today.  Maybe that's why it seems in a way as if a year has flown by.  So much has happened, yet it's still fresh on my mind the mix of feeling alone in a new place coupled with the assurance that God would do something new and anxiously living in expectation of it.  "Behold, I will do something new, Now it will spring forth; Will you not be aware of it? I will even make a roadway in the wilderness, rivers in the desert." (Isaiah 43:18-19)  Looking back, I couldn't have chosen a more fitting verse to title this blog.  God has most faithfully made a way and a home for us here...even in the times when I wasn't faithful on my end to truly be aware and look for the ways in which He was continuously working.  There are still days in which I feel like the new person, but they are becoming more few and far between.  The idea that I feel truly at home here surprises me on some days, like earlier this week at the swim meet, when all of a sudden I felt such a sense of community that I was overwhelmed by the faithfulness of a God who loves me so much and continues to instill in me a sense of belonging.  As we've literally and figuratively unpacked our lives here, we've seen how God has allowed us to bring with us those relationships we've held dear for years while still leaving us open and our hearts available for the blessing of new friends.  Even in recent weeks, God has surprised me with the creative ways in which He continues to bring new friends across my path...but that's another post for another day. :)  I am learning to continuously live in expectation of the new things God is working in and around me, remembering that no matter how long I have lived in one place, He is always wanting to do something new and desiring that I be watchful enough to be aware of those "roadways in the wilderness" and "rivers in the desert".  :)


"Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful." (Hebrews 10:23)


"The one who calls you is faithful, and he will do it." (1 Thessalonians 5:24)

"In the morning, O Lord, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation." (Psalm 5:3)

"God said, 'I am with you and will watch over you wherever you go...I will not leave you unil I have done what I have promised you.'"  (Genesis 28:15)

"Those who know your name will trust in you, for you, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you." (Psalm 9:10)

"The Lord will guide you always, he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame.  You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail." (Isaiah 58:11)

"This God is our God for ever and ever; he will be our guide even to the end." (Psalm 48:14) <3

(At least "someone" was comfortable in all the chaos one year ago today.)

:)



To pursue and be pursued...

I am terrified of this post.  It is one that I have been working out in my head for a few months now, but it was today that God placed the frame around the ideas that have been till now undefined and scattered in my mind.  I have no idea why distant memories from long ago, which most days seem like pages from a stranger's life, would surface today from what seemed like out of the blue or why God would require me to be so vulnerable with areas that I'd prefer stayed sheltered.  However, when my hands shake from the rush of adrenaline caused by words that must be said, and when my heart feels a burden that can only be lifted by laying down what God has placed upon it...I write.

Our daughter turned 13 this year.  The days of being a mom to a teenage daughter have always seemed so far off in the distant future that I've found myself quite unprepared for the actuality of the far, distant future now suddenly being the present.  Hannah Joy is a gift.  For many reasons she is a gift, but today the enormity of the gift I have been given in her by God is overwhelming.  He has entrusted her to me to help mold her into the young lady that He's created her to be.  Despite my own failures both past and present.  Despite my shortcomings.  He gave her to me.  And so I know that not a shred of what God has brought me through can be squandered.  I know that my brokenness is of value when it is Christ who has lovingly put me back together.   

"But we have this treasure in jars of clay, so that the extraordinary power belongs to God and does not come from us." (2 Corinthians 4:7)

When Hannah was little, she pursued me.  What little girl doesn't want to be where her mom is, doing what her mom is doing?  I think in my naivety as a young mom, I often took this forgranted.  Not thinking ahead toward a day when she wouldn't be so close on my heels, as near as my next breath every time I turned.  That day is here, and I am finding that it is my turn to pursue her.  To be the one seeking her out on the days when she feels unlovable, recognizing the odds are that I am at times no longer her natural choice to seek out on those days.  To be engaged enough in the matters of her heart to know whether it is Christ that has captured her heart, or something else entirely. 

"Guard, through the Holy Spirit who dwells in us, the treasure which has been entrusted to you." 

(2 Timothy 1:14)

It would have been easy (and preferred) for me to leave this post as only pertaining to my relationship with Hannah.  My pursuit of Hannah, instead has been the motivation to allow God to pry even deeper to the most unreachable and ugly areas of my heart that until today, I thought no longer existed.  Not for the purposes of leaving me broken and exposed, but to continue to reveal to me the extent of His own pursuit of me.

As many girls do, I struggled with insecurities growing up.  Unfortunately, sometimes those insecurities led me to make unwise or harmful choices.  While my deepest heart's desire was to feel loved, accepted and known, it was at times those very choices that caused me to feel the opposite.  Unlovable, rejected and not worth being known. 

It was in this state that my future husband would find me.  Why God sent him to me when He did, and why He allowed Matt to see beyond what I had become, to the woman I could be, I may never know.  What I do know, is that Matt has been and is still an integral part of God's plan to rescue me.

For too long I spent myself pursuing and never being able to lay hold of the acceptance I craved.  My pursuits instead left me feeling ashamed, ugly and ruined.  It was these feelings in fact that overwhelmed my mind today and caused me to really acknowledge whether I have fully allowed God to wipe clean the record of wrongs I've built up against myself.  Or have I simply buried them deep, giving lies the authority to still define me in my weaker moments? 

I question God at times, wondering why He would allow me to make such choices in my ignorance that would leave me broken and require the relentless pursuit of a husband who longs for me to see what he sees.  I don't have the answers to any of those questions today.  I simply feel the need to acknowledge the amazing blessing of the man that God sent to me, who waited for me, while still pursuing me with all his heart, hoping to capture mine.  I find it astounding that he still endeavors to pursue me in the same way nearly 15 years later and frustrate myself at the inadequacies that cause me to fall short of the wife he needs or deserves.  But I guess thats the point...God too has loved me at my most unlovable, for no other reason than He chose to love me.  I have nothing to offer Him and have done nothing to deserve His sacrifice on my part.  God continues to give me a tangible picture of this, as so often Matt sacrifices his own desires for mine.

"This is how God showed His love among us: He sent His one and only Son into the world that we might live through Him.  This is love: not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins." (1 John 4:9-10)  

  It is God's patience with me and His pursuit of me that show me He has created in me something of value.  I think the weight I felt on my heart today was the desire for any who needed reminding of their value to know that there IS a God out there who is in relentless pursuit of His children and longs for us to see the worth He has created in us.   

"The Lord is not slow about His promise, as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing for any to perish but for all to come to repentance."  (2 Peter 3:9)  

"What do you think?  If a man owns a hundred sheep, and one of them wanders away, will he not leave the ninety-nine on the hills and go to look for the one that wandered off?  And if he finds it, truly I tell you, he is happier about that one sheep than about the ninety-nine that did not wander off." (Matthew 18:12-13)



Prayer for Hannah

To always know fully every inch of you is loved

That the same One who formed you, also scattered the stars above

Your special purpose, you'll surely find as you whole-heartedly seek

To know the One who'll be strong when you feel so weak

Always remember you're the chosen daughter of a heavenly King

Live like the princess you are, never settling for a lesser thing

Life can be hard, sometimes the path becomes dim

Hunger for the Word, may your light be found in Him

His light in you will always be the beauty others see

The same beauty I pray you will always find in me

The prodigal's road for so long was my empty heart's choice

Seldom stopping to listen for the truth only found in my Father's voice

Pursue the passion He's given you deep within

There's a place in your heart that can only be filled by Him

Don't go it on your own thinking there must be a way

Don't fall for the lies that took me so far astray

There's only One who proved to you with a costly sacrifice

That your life to Him was more than worth the price

I pray that the good promised to come from my forgiven past

Will be your choice to love FIRST, the One who will last.

"And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." (Romans 8:28)

The end of myself...is the beginning.

"And I will lead the blind by a way they do not know, In paths they do not know I will guide them.  I will make darkness into light before them and rugged places into plains.  These are the things I will do, and I will not leave them undone." Isaiah 42:16

     This promise, to not leave "undone", is the one and only reason I have not come "undone" in the last year and 19 days.  1 year. 19 days.  1 contract. 1 buyer.  Some may say it would have happened eventually, it was only a matter of time.  I feel a weight over my whole being to say it was only a matter of God.  One of the verses from my last post continues to leap off the page at me as I've thought about just how to wrap up this whole "saga" of our waiting for the house we left behind to sell.  "All this is for your benefit, so that the grace that is reaching more and more people may cause thanksgiving to overflow to the glory of God." 2 Corinthians 4:15.  While my preference for "wrapping things up" usually requires no questions left unanswered and neat packaging complete with a pretty bow on top, I find myself in this moment content in the simplicity of this:  "for your benefit" and "cause thanksgiving to overflow to the glory of God".  Eight months of paying two mortgages and over a year of uncertainty as to how long we would have to wait certainly took it's toll.  We were brought literally to the point of not knowing how we could possibly do it for one more month...and then the wait was over.  I could focus on the frustration of having to exhaust all our resources in the process, or dwell on the physical effects that the stress has had on my mind and body.  But I have a choice.  We always have a choice of what to allow our minds to dwell on.  And I choose to dwell on the fact that we were brought to the end of ourselves and God took it from there.  To be at the end of yourself is never a fun place to be, but the freedom that comes in admitting that something is too big for me and handing over the responsibility of it to God, rather than continuing to try to control things on my own is one of the greatest gifts I have ever experienced in being a child of God.  

     I'm gonna have to brag on my husband for a bit :)... I am married to a very capable man.  I would be extremely hard pressed to come up with anything that I couldn't ultimately trust him with to accomplish when it comes to the good of our family.  While in my human-ness I admit I have many times taken him for granted in the day to day, the truth in my heart knows that God made him for me and me for him.  This, while being a tremendous blessing, can at times also be a downfall of mine.  Too many times I foolishly put him in the place of God and force him to shoulder the burden while God's outstretched hand patiently waits for me to remember who God is and who Matt is not.  It is for this reason that I believe God will continue to bring me to the end of myself.  He causes my "thanksgiving to overflow"  to His glory alone.  He has surely done it! "...I trust in the lovingkindness of God forever and ever.  I will give Thee thanks forever, because Thou hast done it, And I will wait on Thy name, for it is good, in the presence of Thy godly ones." Psalm 52:8-9.  At the end of us, God waits to make up for our shortcomings, our weaknesses and accomplishes things in a way in which there is no other place for the glory to fall but on Him.  "And He has said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.'  Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, that the power of Christ may dwell in me.  Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ's sake; for when I am weak, THEN I am strong."  2 Corinthians 12:9-10.  How gracious the Lord is (to our benefit!) when in return for the burdens He allows us to place at His feet, He only asks for our thanksgiving to be laid there as well!  Most joyfully then will I give the glory to Him alone!  Not only for the buyer He brought for our house, but for the way He has sustained our family through the waiting.  "Behold, God is my helper; The Lord is the sustainer of my soul...Willingly I will sacrifice to Thee; I will give thanks to Thy name, O Lord, for it is good."  Psalm 54:4,6.

"Shout for joy, O heavens, for the Lord has done it!  Shout joyfully, you lower parts of the earth; break forth into a shout of joy, you mountains, O forest, and every tree in it..."  Isaiah 44:23

"I will go before you and make the rough places smooth; I will shatter the doors of bronze, and cut through their iron bars.  And I will give you the treasures of darkness, and hidden wealth of secret places, In order that you may know that it is I, The Lord, the God of Israel, who calls you by your name...That men may know from the rising to the setting of the sun that there is no one besides Me.  I am the Lord and there is no other."  Isaiah 45:2-3,6

"Behold, I have refined you, but not as silver; I have tested you in the furnace of affliction.  For My own sake, for My own sake, I will act; for how can My name be profaned?  And My glory I will not give to another."  Isaiah 48:10-11

"Indeed, the Lord will comfort Zion; He will comfort all her waste places.  And her wilderness He will make like Eden, and her desert like the garden of the Lord; Joy and gladness will be found in her, Thanksgiving and the sound of a melody."  Isaiah 51:3