Last week was difficult. Tragedy struck those we were once in community with, in the place we used to call "home". It was an "in your face" kind of reminder that we're sort of in limbo here. Unable to go back and "weep with those who weep" (Romans 12:15), unable to share the story here with someone who would know the background and feel the pain as deep.
What is to be learned when you balance the truth that we are called to be in close relationship with each other, with the reality that those close relationships don't just happen with a snap of the fingers but take time to grow and develop? How exactly, does one let go enough of relationships in the past in order to develop new ones with those around them today? And in the letting go, where is the security and comfort of a good friend found while you wait for the time it takes to develop all over what you already had? These are all questions I didn't think I'd be asking.
We, as a family, have never had such excitement or expectation over a move until this one. We have moved plenty of times before, but all for seemingly practical reasons...this was impractical...we felt drawn here. Well, to be fair, my husband was drawn here...I was perfectly content to be bolted to the ground where I stood. Through both the patience of my Heavenly Father and the husband He gave me, my heart was softened as well and we were able to eagerly anticipate and excitedly plan this next stage of our lives together. Our kids could not have transitioned more smoothly, which for anyone who has moved with kids knows, this is a major blessing! The physical place in which we now live and all that surrounds it leaves us wanting for nothing when it comes to our day to day lives here. The void I feel over leaving such dear friends seems like such an odd contrast to me.
The book I'm reading through, "After The Boxes Are Unpacked: Moving On After Moving In" written by Susan Miller, talks about the differences of cherishing and clinging to what was in the past. I struggled to quite understand how this applied to me, of course I cherish those friends I left behind. But how am I clinging to them? If I was clinging to them, wouldn't I have fought against leaving in the first place? I'm not talking about 6-7 years ago when my husband first brought up the idea of this move...because boy did I fight against leaving anything back then! I was clinging to anything possible, including the lie that where I find my true security lies without instead of within.
Literally, as I type, I feel this idea clarifying itself. Maybe the clinging is in my desire to find another Elise, another Michelle, another Tara, or Angie, or Scot & Dee, or Brandi, or Janice, or...the list could go on and on because there are so many that God has placed in my life who I have been so blessed to call friend. Really though, how could I ever find "another" of any of them? Those were ones God hand-picked for a particular time, a particular purpose...and today, in a new season, what is the purpose that He is trying to accomplish in me? And why would our God who is so creative and so surprising, choose to work in an expected way, to accomplish something unexpected? Maybe my clinging is in the expectation that who He sends today will be a cookie-cutter version of what He sent yesterday. Of course there are so many who I will cherish no matter where this life takes us and how far we go...but to cling...to cling is to leave my fists tightly closed, unable to grasp the new blessings God desires to place in an open hand.
There was an interesting quote in the book I'm reading, taken from another book actually, "A Place For You", written by Paul Tournier..."I thought of the trapeze artists, swinging on their trapezes high up under the dome of the circus tent. They let go of one trapeze just at the right moment, to hover for a moment in the void before catching hold of the other trapeze. As you watch, you identify yourself with them and experience the anxiety of the middle of the way, when they have let go of their first support and have not yet seized the second...What is the force that holds men back, which prevents them from letting go of what they would like to let go? It is the middle-of-the-way anxiety. It is the void in which they are going to find themselves before being able to seize a new support. All this to say, we must always be letting go...leaving one place in order to find another, abandoning one support in order to reach the next, turning our backs on the past in order to thrust wholeheartedly toward the future."
My heart beats faster as I read that quote again. What a perfect illustration for where I find myself emotionally! That "middle-of-the-way anxiety", to "hover for a moment in the void"...So, it's ok to "hover", to feel for a moment that I don't belong, to feel the void of what I have let go, to feel the fear of what may or may not come to replace it. I am normal. THIS is normal. This is my new normal. :-) I will "hover". With an open hand. As I wait for God to fill it...
"And indeed if they had been thinking of that country from which they went out, they would have had opportunity to return. But as it is, they desire a better country, that is a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God; For He has prepared a city for them." Hebrews 11:15-16
"Brethren, I do not regard myself as having laid hold of it yet; but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus." Philippians 3:13-14
My joy is full and my hope is renewed!! Where else but in the truths of God's word can we find help for our every need, strength for our every weakness?...God can meet us right where we are, with words put on a page so long ago, their power does not come because they were written with man's hand, but because they are God's words, given to us! Can you imagine? God's thoughts toward us! If you haven't read them lately, as I myself so often neglect to do, read them, soak up the comfort He longs to give. If you don't know the One who loves you so much that He gave up His own life just to save yours, seek to know Him today! There is no lasting hope other than Him when we are bogged down with the cares of life that weigh so heavily on us. I am in the "void", the "middle-of-the-way", and there are days when the loneliness here threatens to steal the hope that God has us where we are for a purpose...but then there are days, days like today, when He meets me where I am and reminds me there is no void in which He is not present.
"For in hope we have been saved, but hope that is seen is not hope; for why does one also hope for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, with perseverance we wait eagerly for it. And in the same way the Spirit also helps our weaknesses; for we do not know how to pray as we should, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words; and He who searches the hearts knows what the mind of the Spirit is, because He intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose...What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who is against us? He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him up for us all, how will He not also with Him, freely give us all things?" Romans 8:24-28, 31-32
Someday my heart will realize my body is already here in Virginia and loving it. :-) I do not know the means by which we shall be reunited, or those that God will use to convince my heart that it can feel at home here....but what is hope if it can already be seen?...
I read an article today that made me think of you and this posting - It's called "Don't Get Stuck in Between". Here's a little bit of it (this first part sets the scene but I think you'll probably find it as amusing as I did!):
ReplyDeleteA few months ago I passed through the tiny community of Between,GA...But as I drove through, I couldn't help imagining the strange reactions I'd get if I lived there. "Where are you from?" someone would ask. "I live in Between". "In between what?" "In Between, GA". "In between GA and what?" I doubt I'll ever move to that town, but the truth is that many of us are living "in between" because we are in major transition...I've been struggling lately with all the emotions that accompany a major transition. I've battled doubts, fears, confusion and impatience. But I've discovered some things we can do to make the transition smoother. 1. Let go of the past.Sometimes we end up in spiritual limbo because we hold on to memories, relationships or what is secure & comfortable. 2. Renounce your doubts. We say we want to go forward, but we're like a moving car that has its parking brake engaged. Faith requires you to release the brake! 3. Welcome those God sends to you. The body of Christ has many members, & those who are gifted as prophets, intercessors, counselors & encouragers will always show up when you are in strategic moments of transition.Don't go through transition alone. Ask your friends to pray with you. They are the spiritual midwives who will help you birth God's promise when you don't have the strength to deliver. 4. Fight for your promise. The devil is a thief, & he does not want us to receive God's promises or advance into new spiritual territory. 5. Stay close to the Shepherd. It's comforting to know that the Lord takes such up-close-and-personal care of us during vulnerable times of transition. God knows your ultimate destination. He is committed to guiding you, even when you walk through the valley of the shadow of death to get there. He will not leave you in the land of Between. With His rod & staff He will usher you into your promised territory.
Even as I battle the silly fear of being replaced, I will be praying with you as you go through this transition because I know how important connection, relationship, really being known, are to you. I believe God has already delivered you into your promised territory (who'd have thought it would be Lynchburg?!) and I know that He will not leave you there alone.
I think what I'm learning right now is that those who came before are irreplaceable, YOU are irreplaceable :-) and that's how it should be. Funny how my Bible study this week also spoke to the idea that I expect God to do the same things He's done before in exactly the same way in order to meet my needs. How silly for me to limit Him! This past weekend was a great reminder of how richly He has blessed me in friendship before and reassures me that He'll continue to be faithful. Thanks for being one who surrounds me in the BETWEEN, Elise! :-)
ReplyDeleteHi Johanna,
ReplyDeleteYour blogs about the struggles of being uprooted and getting settled emotionally and spiritually in a new community are so honest, encouraging, hopeful for other women in similar circumstances. Thank you for writing! As you know, I've shared two of your blogs in our Mover's Story feature at JustMoved.org and I would love to share this blog with our readers. As always, I will link to this page and give you full credit. Keep writing and trusting God!
Ann Kelley of Just Moved Ministry
Thanks for your encouragement, Ann. :)
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