One Thing

(from my journal- July 20, 2010)

     Well, I find myself amidst boxes again. :-)  Surely I forget each time the specific stresses involved with moving or there'd be a lot more kicking and screaming on my part when Matt suggests it each time, ha!  Seven months ago, just a couple days before Christmas, the "bomb" was dropped when Matt informed me that he really didn't see himself signing a contract for another 5 years as CEO of Social Solutions.  I shed a few tears but felt ultimately at peace with it and was able to tell him that my place was with him where ever that might be and that I'd support whatever he decided. 
     A plan was born to finally get us to Lynchburg. :-)  All the pieces seemed to fall fairly easily into place (except the sale of our house so far...we're set to move in 8 days and still no contract).  I know Your timing is always best God, but it really has felt like this has been the bulk of the stress for us...of course maybe that's the point.  The other day Matt says..."Isn't it reassuring to know that 5 years from now we'll look back on this period of extreme stress and laugh at how stressed we were?"...Um, I'm kinda hoping it doesn't take us 5 YEARS to get to the point of laughter over our folly of lack of faith, but yeah, reassuring I guess you could say. :-) Actually, how could I NOT be reassured when I think back 6 or 7 years ago when Matt first told me he felt drawn to move to Lynchburg?  Talk about kicking and screaming!  I actually even showed up on a dear friend's doorstep sobbing that surely God hadn't intended me to marry a man who couldn't cool his heels in one place for more than a couple years. :-) (thank God for friends who can listen to my rantings and then lovingly remind me that God knows exactly what He's doing...even when I don't)  And now today, God has me at the point of being just as excited about the move as Matt is...in fact, my biggest fear NOW being that we'll end up having to stay in Maryland after having our hearts set on Lynchburg!  Craziness!  Yeah, I'm definitely looking back at myself then and laughing...but all in God's perfect timing, right?  Right.
     The sadness over the move has yet to really hit me, save for a few shed tears here and there over the friends we're leaving.  For the most part, whether it's by God's grace or my avoidance (hopefully the former and not the latter!) I've been able to focus on what we're gaining and not what we're losing.  Is that what happens when you feel as if God has you headed right where He wants you?  Or have we totally misjudged?  How do you ever TRULY know what He wants until you succeed or fail at it?  And, am I eternally destined to always question His leading unless the process comes easily?  Will I forever squander the learning and molding that comes with the testing?  Being tempted to think instead, "We must have heard wrong."?
     I do know ONE THING, although I dread the end of summer because I love everything about summer, I don't dread the beginning of the school year...I'm so excited about this new place for Hannah and Sam, that's a blessing!  I don't understand what all that foster care business was about, but I know ONE THING, if God had allowed a child to be placed with us long-term, and that child was with us when Matt approached me about a move, I'm not so sure I could have supported him at the risk of losing a child.  So, I guess just knowing ONE THING, as long as it's the important thing, is all you need to know.  I may not know when or if our house will ever sell, I may not know if the end of all this stress is 8 days away or if this is just the tip of the iceberg, I may not fully grasp the true sense of loss I'll feel when we finally do leave our dear friends here...but I do know ONE THING.  I know my Heavenly Father knows me better than I know myself and is working everything for my good and not my harm.  (Romans 8:28, Jeremiah 29:11) His plan is perfect and better suited for me than anything I could ever come up with on my own. (Isaiah 55:8-9, Ephesians 3:20) I thank God for the ONE THING.

"Faith is deliberate confidence in the character of God whose ways you may not understand at the time."  -Oswald Chambers