To pursue and be pursued...

I am terrified of this post.  It is one that I have been working out in my head for a few months now, but it was today that God placed the frame around the ideas that have been till now undefined and scattered in my mind.  I have no idea why distant memories from long ago, which most days seem like pages from a stranger's life, would surface today from what seemed like out of the blue or why God would require me to be so vulnerable with areas that I'd prefer stayed sheltered.  However, when my hands shake from the rush of adrenaline caused by words that must be said, and when my heart feels a burden that can only be lifted by laying down what God has placed upon it...I write.

Our daughter turned 13 this year.  The days of being a mom to a teenage daughter have always seemed so far off in the distant future that I've found myself quite unprepared for the actuality of the far, distant future now suddenly being the present.  Hannah Joy is a gift.  For many reasons she is a gift, but today the enormity of the gift I have been given in her by God is overwhelming.  He has entrusted her to me to help mold her into the young lady that He's created her to be.  Despite my own failures both past and present.  Despite my shortcomings.  He gave her to me.  And so I know that not a shred of what God has brought me through can be squandered.  I know that my brokenness is of value when it is Christ who has lovingly put me back together.   

"But we have this treasure in jars of clay, so that the extraordinary power belongs to God and does not come from us." (2 Corinthians 4:7)

When Hannah was little, she pursued me.  What little girl doesn't want to be where her mom is, doing what her mom is doing?  I think in my naivety as a young mom, I often took this forgranted.  Not thinking ahead toward a day when she wouldn't be so close on my heels, as near as my next breath every time I turned.  That day is here, and I am finding that it is my turn to pursue her.  To be the one seeking her out on the days when she feels unlovable, recognizing the odds are that I am at times no longer her natural choice to seek out on those days.  To be engaged enough in the matters of her heart to know whether it is Christ that has captured her heart, or something else entirely. 

"Guard, through the Holy Spirit who dwells in us, the treasure which has been entrusted to you." 

(2 Timothy 1:14)

It would have been easy (and preferred) for me to leave this post as only pertaining to my relationship with Hannah.  My pursuit of Hannah, instead has been the motivation to allow God to pry even deeper to the most unreachable and ugly areas of my heart that until today, I thought no longer existed.  Not for the purposes of leaving me broken and exposed, but to continue to reveal to me the extent of His own pursuit of me.

As many girls do, I struggled with insecurities growing up.  Unfortunately, sometimes those insecurities led me to make unwise or harmful choices.  While my deepest heart's desire was to feel loved, accepted and known, it was at times those very choices that caused me to feel the opposite.  Unlovable, rejected and not worth being known. 

It was in this state that my future husband would find me.  Why God sent him to me when He did, and why He allowed Matt to see beyond what I had become, to the woman I could be, I may never know.  What I do know, is that Matt has been and is still an integral part of God's plan to rescue me.

For too long I spent myself pursuing and never being able to lay hold of the acceptance I craved.  My pursuits instead left me feeling ashamed, ugly and ruined.  It was these feelings in fact that overwhelmed my mind today and caused me to really acknowledge whether I have fully allowed God to wipe clean the record of wrongs I've built up against myself.  Or have I simply buried them deep, giving lies the authority to still define me in my weaker moments? 

I question God at times, wondering why He would allow me to make such choices in my ignorance that would leave me broken and require the relentless pursuit of a husband who longs for me to see what he sees.  I don't have the answers to any of those questions today.  I simply feel the need to acknowledge the amazing blessing of the man that God sent to me, who waited for me, while still pursuing me with all his heart, hoping to capture mine.  I find it astounding that he still endeavors to pursue me in the same way nearly 15 years later and frustrate myself at the inadequacies that cause me to fall short of the wife he needs or deserves.  But I guess thats the point...God too has loved me at my most unlovable, for no other reason than He chose to love me.  I have nothing to offer Him and have done nothing to deserve His sacrifice on my part.  God continues to give me a tangible picture of this, as so often Matt sacrifices his own desires for mine.

"This is how God showed His love among us: He sent His one and only Son into the world that we might live through Him.  This is love: not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins." (1 John 4:9-10)  

  It is God's patience with me and His pursuit of me that show me He has created in me something of value.  I think the weight I felt on my heart today was the desire for any who needed reminding of their value to know that there IS a God out there who is in relentless pursuit of His children and longs for us to see the worth He has created in us.   

"The Lord is not slow about His promise, as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing for any to perish but for all to come to repentance."  (2 Peter 3:9)  

"What do you think?  If a man owns a hundred sheep, and one of them wanders away, will he not leave the ninety-nine on the hills and go to look for the one that wandered off?  And if he finds it, truly I tell you, he is happier about that one sheep than about the ninety-nine that did not wander off." (Matthew 18:12-13)



Prayer for Hannah

To always know fully every inch of you is loved

That the same One who formed you, also scattered the stars above

Your special purpose, you'll surely find as you whole-heartedly seek

To know the One who'll be strong when you feel so weak

Always remember you're the chosen daughter of a heavenly King

Live like the princess you are, never settling for a lesser thing

Life can be hard, sometimes the path becomes dim

Hunger for the Word, may your light be found in Him

His light in you will always be the beauty others see

The same beauty I pray you will always find in me

The prodigal's road for so long was my empty heart's choice

Seldom stopping to listen for the truth only found in my Father's voice

Pursue the passion He's given you deep within

There's a place in your heart that can only be filled by Him

Don't go it on your own thinking there must be a way

Don't fall for the lies that took me so far astray

There's only One who proved to you with a costly sacrifice

That your life to Him was more than worth the price

I pray that the good promised to come from my forgiven past

Will be your choice to love FIRST, the One who will last.

"And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." (Romans 8:28)

The end of myself...is the beginning.

"And I will lead the blind by a way they do not know, In paths they do not know I will guide them.  I will make darkness into light before them and rugged places into plains.  These are the things I will do, and I will not leave them undone." Isaiah 42:16

     This promise, to not leave "undone", is the one and only reason I have not come "undone" in the last year and 19 days.  1 year. 19 days.  1 contract. 1 buyer.  Some may say it would have happened eventually, it was only a matter of time.  I feel a weight over my whole being to say it was only a matter of God.  One of the verses from my last post continues to leap off the page at me as I've thought about just how to wrap up this whole "saga" of our waiting for the house we left behind to sell.  "All this is for your benefit, so that the grace that is reaching more and more people may cause thanksgiving to overflow to the glory of God." 2 Corinthians 4:15.  While my preference for "wrapping things up" usually requires no questions left unanswered and neat packaging complete with a pretty bow on top, I find myself in this moment content in the simplicity of this:  "for your benefit" and "cause thanksgiving to overflow to the glory of God".  Eight months of paying two mortgages and over a year of uncertainty as to how long we would have to wait certainly took it's toll.  We were brought literally to the point of not knowing how we could possibly do it for one more month...and then the wait was over.  I could focus on the frustration of having to exhaust all our resources in the process, or dwell on the physical effects that the stress has had on my mind and body.  But I have a choice.  We always have a choice of what to allow our minds to dwell on.  And I choose to dwell on the fact that we were brought to the end of ourselves and God took it from there.  To be at the end of yourself is never a fun place to be, but the freedom that comes in admitting that something is too big for me and handing over the responsibility of it to God, rather than continuing to try to control things on my own is one of the greatest gifts I have ever experienced in being a child of God.  

     I'm gonna have to brag on my husband for a bit :)... I am married to a very capable man.  I would be extremely hard pressed to come up with anything that I couldn't ultimately trust him with to accomplish when it comes to the good of our family.  While in my human-ness I admit I have many times taken him for granted in the day to day, the truth in my heart knows that God made him for me and me for him.  This, while being a tremendous blessing, can at times also be a downfall of mine.  Too many times I foolishly put him in the place of God and force him to shoulder the burden while God's outstretched hand patiently waits for me to remember who God is and who Matt is not.  It is for this reason that I believe God will continue to bring me to the end of myself.  He causes my "thanksgiving to overflow"  to His glory alone.  He has surely done it! "...I trust in the lovingkindness of God forever and ever.  I will give Thee thanks forever, because Thou hast done it, And I will wait on Thy name, for it is good, in the presence of Thy godly ones." Psalm 52:8-9.  At the end of us, God waits to make up for our shortcomings, our weaknesses and accomplishes things in a way in which there is no other place for the glory to fall but on Him.  "And He has said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.'  Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, that the power of Christ may dwell in me.  Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ's sake; for when I am weak, THEN I am strong."  2 Corinthians 12:9-10.  How gracious the Lord is (to our benefit!) when in return for the burdens He allows us to place at His feet, He only asks for our thanksgiving to be laid there as well!  Most joyfully then will I give the glory to Him alone!  Not only for the buyer He brought for our house, but for the way He has sustained our family through the waiting.  "Behold, God is my helper; The Lord is the sustainer of my soul...Willingly I will sacrifice to Thee; I will give thanks to Thy name, O Lord, for it is good."  Psalm 54:4,6.

"Shout for joy, O heavens, for the Lord has done it!  Shout joyfully, you lower parts of the earth; break forth into a shout of joy, you mountains, O forest, and every tree in it..."  Isaiah 44:23

"I will go before you and make the rough places smooth; I will shatter the doors of bronze, and cut through their iron bars.  And I will give you the treasures of darkness, and hidden wealth of secret places, In order that you may know that it is I, The Lord, the God of Israel, who calls you by your name...That men may know from the rising to the setting of the sun that there is no one besides Me.  I am the Lord and there is no other."  Isaiah 45:2-3,6

"Behold, I have refined you, but not as silver; I have tested you in the furnace of affliction.  For My own sake, for My own sake, I will act; for how can My name be profaned?  And My glory I will not give to another."  Isaiah 48:10-11

"Indeed, the Lord will comfort Zion; He will comfort all her waste places.  And her wilderness He will make like Eden, and her desert like the garden of the Lord; Joy and gladness will be found in her, Thanksgiving and the sound of a melody."  Isaiah 51:3

Silver Linings

I helplessly looked on as, right in front of me, the tires of the car my husband was driving left their grip on the pavement and started sliding sideways on the ice that had seemed like only slush moments ago.  Time seemed to suspend and as if in slow motion, his car was carried over the hill and went careening down into a field near our house.  I watched in horror for what felt like an eternity as I waited for his car to come to a stop and prayed it wouldn't flip over.  It's weird that even now as I recall this memory weeks later that my hands are trembling.

We had left our house that morning, me following behind his car in my own, in order to drop mine off for some work to be done.  Not to leave you in suspense or anything, :-) but Matt is totally fine and the car did not in fact flip over.  You would think that this in and of itself would be the silver lining.  God however, has been teaching me in this season of uncertainty to look much deeper for the ways in which He is trying to bless me even amidst the struggles.

I guess for this story to make sense I'll need to give a little background about the car to begin with....

As we are still waiting for our house in Maryland to sell, (one year and counting as of the beginning of this month) we decided that in order to ease a bit of our monthly financial burdens we would get rid of the car Matt was driving and trade it in for something less expensive.  Less expensive turned out to be a car on ebay.  In Chicago. :-)  Anyone who knows my husband, also knows that if it's not an adventure, it's not worth doing.  So off to Chicago he went.  He was having reservations about the car before he even left the dealer but decided to go through with the purchase.  On the 12 hour drive back to Virginia, issue after issue seemed to come up making him even more anxious about the reliability of this car for the long term.  So he gets it back home and after a ridiculously long, complicated dance with the DMV the car is, for better or worse, legal.

Wouldn't you know that JUST the week previous to the accident we had raised our collision deductible, also in an effort to save money.  It definitely would have been easy to let my thoughts "camp out" on this idea alone.  It certainly has been a struggle for me in some areas to remain positive when my natural tendency can be to lean toward the negative and dwell on it at times.  But God had an almost ironic silver lining tucked carefully in this story. :-)  One that my husband and I couldn't help but get a chuckle from.  When we got the call from the garage about all that would need to be fixed on his car, do you know what was on that list?  Every single item that Matt had been concerned about with the car previously!  Now, not that it's not a strain to try to scrape together the deductible...but I can't help but notice the blessing of having all the issues with the car fixed for much less than we would have had to pay outright.  And the added blessing that the reliability of the car in the long-run will be more likely.

This is just a silly illustration of something much bigger that I think God tries to teach His children in every circumstance.  Sometimes we take the time to stop and look for what He's doing in the midst of trials, even if we don't understand them.  Being willing to ride them out and wait for God to accomplish His bigger picture.  At other times, we want to rush through the trial, never looking to the left or right, only focused on figuring our own way out of what we never wanted to be in to begin with.  It's when I rush through the tough spots that I miss the little gifts tucked in along the way as reminders that God's eyes are always on me, and He knows just how much I can take, will never give me more than He'll equip me to handle, and will always, if I am willing, make me a better person who is better able to accomplish His purpose for my life BECAUSE of the tough spot, not in spite of it.

"But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us.  We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed...All this is for your benefit, so that the grace that is reaching more and more people may cause thanksgiving to overflow to the glory of God.  Therefore we do not lose heart.  Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.  For light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.  So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."  (2 Corinthians 4:7-9, 15-18)

"Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you; therefore He will rise up to show you compassion.  For the Lord is a God of justice.  Blessed are all who wait for him!...He will surely be gracious to you at the sound of your cry; when He hears it, He will answer you."  (Isaiah 30:18-19)

"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows."  (James 1:17)

If I had known...

     If I had known last December that 10 months after putting our house in Maryland on the market that it would still be sitting there, empty...would I be sitting here today?  If I had known last December that we would have been making two house payments for going on 5 months now, would I be sitting here...right in the middle of where we believe God meant for our family to be?

     It was about this time last year, just 2 days before Christmas, that Matt came home and turned my comfortable world, as I knew it, upside down.  With thoughts toward a transition at work and a move to Virginia for our family, the coming months seemed full of uncertainty at a time when I was ready to just relax and enjoy the peacefulness and joy that this season brings.  With a peace not my own, I supported Matt in his decisions surrounding his job and the move. 

     Now a year later, that peace seems to have at times in the last few days packed up and run as far from me as possible.  I tend to be fairly laid back about most things, so the anxiety and almost panic-like symptoms that have gripped me at the most random of times make me frustrated with myself when I can't just "talk myself out of it" or just decide to not let what I'm feeling have a physical effect on me.  The pain and tightness that seem to grab hold of my heart and squeeze relentlessly make me feel out of control.  I don't want to ever pretend like I have all the answers (or ANY for that matter!) or that it's ever easy to just simply make the choice to trust...if these past few days have taught me anything, it's that I am as vulnerable to completely losing it as I ever was.  However, I have to say, attitude and my choice to view things in light of how I'm so very blessed, even amidst difficult circumstance, makes all the difference in the world.  I remember last Christmas my father-in-law reading an excerpt from a book that talked about an "attitude of gratitude".  I have many times in this past year reflected on that idea and seen how God's faithfulness is always evident when we choose to see our circumstance through His promise to give us a future and a hope.  "'For I know the plans I have for you', declares the Lord, 'plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope.'" (Jeremiah 29:11)

     If someone had told me, many years ago when Matt first broached the idea of moving to Lynchburg, that I would be living there today and absolutely filled to the brim with excitement over being there, the love for this place as deeply rooted in my own heart as it was his, I would have told that someone that they were certifiably insane and to go tell their tall tales elsewhere!  Yet here I sit...in love with the city that the name of which literally used to make my blood boil everytime it would cross my husband's lips.  I'd like to say that back then I had prayed for God to change my heart to be united with the dreams of the man whom God had given me.  I did not. I prayed instead that God would work in Matt and remind him that I was staying put!  And that when Matt did come to his senses, I'd be able to forgive him and put all these hair-brained ideas behind us.  :-)  How grateful I am that God instead worked on my own heart, even while I was trying my best to selfishly stamp out any thought of a desire other than my own.  He proved Himself faithful, even when He shouldn't have had to, that if He had a plan other than my own, He would change my own heart's desires to reflect His own, enabling me to be more blessed than was ever possible in my limited view of what I wanted.  "Trust in the Lord, and do good; Dwell in the land and cultivate faithfulness.  Delight yourself in the Lord; And He will give you the desires of your heart.  Commit your way to the Lord, Trust also in Him, and He will do it." (Psalm 37:3-5) 

     Right now the desire of my heart is for our house in Maryland to sell.  The stress of it sometimes overwhelms me.  Its never fun to feel like you're being stretched to your limit with no view of, or plan for relief in sight.  I have no earthly idea why God would have allowed this financial burden to have continued to this point.  Or why other desires He has placed so deep in our hearts have to, as a result, be put on hold.  But what I do know, what I cling to, is that He IS faithful.  "Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful." (Hebrews 10:23)  I am blessed beyond measure.  His changing of my heart in this one instance is only one of hundreds that I could testify to if I choose to reflect on His blessings instead of circumstance that can at times overwhelm and threaten to steal my joy.  "Rejoice always; pray without ceasing; in everything give thanks; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus...Faithful is He who calls you..." (I Thessalonians 5:16-18, 24)

     "You will show me the path of life; in Your presence is fulness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore." (Psalm 16:11)  Matt read this verse last week in our family devotional time and it caused me to reflect on the journey that our family has been on, for years really.  The path has at times been a winding one, far from direct and it has sometimes been difficult to see just where we're headed through the shadows that loom across the path in places.  At other times it has felt as if we're wandering without a clear purpose.  Then there have been times when God has given such a clear vision of where we're headed that it's been easy to tie up our laces and run head on into where He's leading, only to be stopped short by an unexpected detour.  Through it all God has been faithful to continue to reveal the path to us, sometimes in just inches at a time.  I can honestly say though, as I reflect on this past year in particular, that we have found "fulness of joy" and "pleasures forevermore"...in a plan not of my own, but of His design for our lives to be ones of abundant joy. 

     In this season which gives us so many opportunities to reflect on the great Gift that has been given, I urge you to choose gratitude and joy over distress and darkness.  At the suggestion of my brother-in-law, as a way to unite our family while we look forward to being together over Christmas, I've been reading thru a series of Advent devotionals entitled "Journey to the Manger".  While I must admit that I have hurriedly read thru some to just keep up with the days, this one in particular struck me as it spoke to the perspective I was desperate to regain in my moments of anxiety in the past few days.  To give credit where credit is due, this particular one was written by Peter Kuzmic and reflects on the words in Isaiah 9:1-7.

"But there will be no more gloom for her who was in anguish; in earlier times He treated the land of Zebulun and the land of Naphtali with contempt, but later on He shall make it glorious, by the way of the sea on the other side of Jordan, Galilee of the Gentiles.  The people who walk in darkness will see a great light; Those who live in a dark land, the light will shine on them.  Thou shalt multiply the nation, Thou shalt increase their gladness; They will be glad in Thy presence as with the gladness of harvest, as men rejoice when they divide the spoil.  For Thou shalt break the yoke of their burden and the staff on their shoulders.  The rod of their oppressor, as at the battle of Midian.  For every boot of the booted warrior in the battle tumult, and cloak rolled in blood, will be for burning, fuel for the fire.  For a child will be born to us, a son will be given to us; and the government will rest on His shoulders; and His name will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Eternal Father, Prince of Peace.  There will be no end to the increase of His government or of peace, On the throne of David and over His kingdom, to establish it and to uphold it with justice and righteousness from then on and forevermore.  The zeal of the Lord of hosts will accomplish this." (Isaiah 9:1-7)

     "Isaiah saw more than he could fully grasp, for his own boundaries of understanding were transcended by the inspiration of the Holy Spirit.  Apart from the divine light, people live in 'distress and darkness' (Isaiah 8:22 and 9:2), but the great prophetic insight is that God is willing and capable of changing our human circumstances and transforming the situation by replacing the 'shadow of death' with the 'dawning of light' (9:2).  The coming of light brings with it much joy and abundance (9:3).  Light, joy and abundance speak of freedom from oppression.  The ultimate deliverance comes with the birth of a saving ruler, the Son of God.  Royal titles ascribed to this 'light and child/son' clearly point to his deity (9:6). He is the source of all wisdom and power, fatherly love and is the ultimate peacemaker.  The final result of his deliverance and rule is harmony of peace and justice.  Just what our world needs!"

...and just what I needed. <3  May this Christmas be one in which you revel in the greatest Gift ever given, the only Gift capable of making our joy full beyond measure, regardless of circumstance.  Merry Christmas, indeed!
    

Knickers and Knowing Who I Am

Somewhere between Maryland and Virginia, I lost a little bit of who I am.  This is slightly disconcerting as Maryland and Virginia border each other, and seeing as there are no states in between....where could those bits of me gone?! :-)  Of all the things I had worried might be lost in the move, my identity certainly wasn't one of them!

Having no background or history in a new place has kind of made me feel like I have to find my identity all over again.  Or worse, be "identified" as something I'm not, maybe because of a bad first impression.  Before the move, I wouldn't have given much thought to what it was that actually "defined" me, but after the move, in a place where I can no longer be defined by what someone already knows of me, I've found myself feeling less secure in situations that I would have normally felt very confident in.  When you start a new job, someone has already seen your resume, they know what you've done before and what you're capable of.  When you start a new life in a new place, there's nothing that goes before you to prepare the way and let people know whether you're a normal, contributing member of society or a fugitive running from the law...ok, that's a slightly exaggerated extreme, but you get my point!  The things that defined me before, for all intents and purposes, virtually vanished when I left behind the place where I had a past.  To some, that might have been a relief, but quite frankly, I enjoyed the identity I had before the move and felt mighty comfy in it thank you very much! :-)

I think this whole "identity crisis" might explain my mini breakdown a few weeks back...

Sam had a field trip coming up in which he had to dress up in Colonial attire.  Matt was going along on the field trip and was also expected to dress up.  (be patient, I promise to include a picture at the end ;-))  The day of the field trip dawns and Matt realizes he doesn't quite have all he needs for a costume.  Due to a lack of communication on both our parts, I had come up short in meeting his expectations surrounding the securing of appropriate Colonial attire for the men in my family. :-)  My "good friend", the over-achieving woman in Proverbs 31, springs to mind..."The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain.  She does him good and not evil all the days of her life." (Prov. 31:11-12)  Yeah, well, easy for her!  She hasn't just moved and had to start all over, having her mind cluttered with so many details that what once came so easily, now requires many lists and reminders! :-)  It's ok, you can unashamedly laugh at me now, I won't be offended...I, thankfully, can at least let one corner of my mouth lift when I think back to my tantrum-like response to Matt's unmet expectations. (NO picture to follow ;-))  What normally would have (hopefully) slid right off my back, instead sent me into such a tizzy that it was my poor children who scrambled around to help their dad find what he could to be "Colonialized". 

Reflecting back on it, I think it was my loss of identity in other areas that made it so hard for me to just brush it off and move on.  With the bits of me that I did lose in the move, at least I had (or so I thought) maintained the parts of my identity that I treasure most, that of being a wife to Matt and a mom to Hannah and Sam.  I normally take great satisfaction in the fact that I'm able to anticipate the needs of my family and usually meet them without even having to be asked.  When I felt as if I had failed in that, it rattled me because I had forgotten (maybe not so much forgotten as neglected to remember) that there is an even bigger part of my identity that can never be shaken...

I am a child of God. 

In the unsettled-ness and lack of surety in this life, there is always that.  Our identity will always shift and change when it is other people who are looking at us...and how could we not let insecurity creep in if it is by others that we define ourselves?  My identity will only be secure when I let my significance and value lie in whose I am, not who I am. 

"See how great a love the Father has bestowed upon us, that we should be called children of God" (1 John 3:1)

"Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name; you are Mine!" (Isaiah 43:1)

"The Lord your God has chosen you...to be His people, His treasured possession" (Deuteronomy 7:6)

I am slowly, but surely finding again the bits and pieces of the "lesser" things that used to define me as I risk letting those I meet see the real me.  While it is always a risk to put your true self out there for all the world to see and define, I have also found that there is always a reward. :-)

"Strength and dignity are her clothing, and she smiles at the future." :-) (Proverbs 31:25)





(Now, I have always been one to enjoy the comforts of the times in which we live, however, if I had seen this man in knickers back in the day, I certainly would still go weak in the knees as I do today.) ;-)



"You've Got Mail"

     Something amazing happened last Friday.  With anticipation I walked down to the end of my driveway, opened a little, black door...and found mail!!  This may not seem like something to be too overly excited or surprised about, I mean everyone gets mail delivered to them, right?  Doesn't our Declaration of Independence go something like this?..."We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness...oh, and the right to receive mail at your place of residence." :-)  Well, it has been 90 long days since we have had any mail delivered to our mailbox.

     Warning to anyone who is looking for some grand revelation in my journey of discovery after our recent move.  :-) This post has absolutely nothing to do with any growth or emotional breakthrough on my part.  These are just some random, inconsequential musings...because quite frankly, all deep thinking must at some point be interrupted by randomness, however else would we all keep our sanity?

     When we moved into our newly built home on July 29th, our builders were planning to put up our mailbox for us. So I made a trip to our post office to find out if there were any guidelines the builders should follow in putting up the mailbox.  For instance, which side of the driveway it should be on, which side of the road it should be on, etc.  Little did I know I would continue to make this trip for a full 3 months! 

    I was told by our post master that we weren't "allowed" to put our mailbox up yet because in a new, rural neighborhood the government had to do surveys and studies into what would be the most cost effective and "efficient" way of getting mail to the new neighborhood.  This process included paperwork going back and forth between the developer of the neighborhood and the post master, (paperwork of which I might add, kept getting lost by the post office and had to be resubmitted by the developer) the route having to be driven by someone conducting the "study/survey", and the amount and type of mail coming into the post office for new residents of the neighborhood having to be analyzed and counted to come out with an average rate and type of mail received by aforementioned new residents. (huh? :-)) We were told that the reason the mailbox couldn't be put up yet was that the government needed to await the results of the survey to determine whether we'd need to share a post with our neighbor, have our own post or simply just have to keep making the drive to the post office daily.

     So I continued to make the 4 mile drive to the post office, which was in the opposite direction of anywhere else I ever went, while I waited for the government to do it's work...I need to mention here that within the first week of moving in we had deliveries made straight to our door by both privately owned FedEx and UPS (shout out to our friends who work for each of these companies :-)). Last week we finally got the call from the United States Post Office that we had the go ahead to put up our mailbox.  What were the specific instructions as to how and where we should put it up as per the extensive studying and surveying that had been going on for the past 3 months you ask? "Eh, put it where ever you want, just be sure your name and house number are on the box so the mail carrier will know who's mail should be delivered there." (side bar: there are currently 3 total, count them, 1, 2, 3, houses in our neighborhood :-))

   I'm left to ponder just how much exactly all this surveying and studying cost...and question whether this is really the picture of efficiency?  Final thought of the day on my random musings...in the bigger picture, of things more consequential than whether or not I have to make the drive to the post office everyday, will we as a country ultimately benefit as a whole from more or less government in our day to day lives?  Just sayin'. ;-)

Don't take the little things for granted :-)

"Hey, Johanna..."

     You know when you get a new pair of shoes and you're excited about wearing the new shoes?  You bought them because they stood out on the shelf to you for some reason, they'll go great with that outfit you've been waiting to wear, they even have that great, new shoe smell...(which is much preferred to that "old shoe smell") :-).  Then you get dressed in the morning and when you put on your shoes, you choose the old pair.  The comfortable pair.  The worn-in pair with the sole that fits your foot perfectly.  Because you know you won't come home at the end of the day with blisters or sore feet.  You know what to expect from your old shoes, they've walked with you before...

     I found myself feeling this way last week.  Longing for the comfort of the "old", and feeling like I wanted a break from the "new".  I love the "new"....but sometimes the "new" takes more effort than the "old".  Instead of going to the class I normally go to on Wednesdays, which is specifically for those who are new, I chose the old...the 10-year-old who has known me all his life.  We had dinner and it was lovely. :-)  It's not like me to miss something on The Schedule, I put that in caps because in my orderly brain, once something is on The Schedule, or I'm supposed to do it, it usually takes a lot for me to deviate from the already made plan.  I don't just decide to not go somewhere or to not do something because I don't feel like it.  Last Wednesday though, I just played hooky.  And I think that was ok.  It was rejeuvinating to sit and talk with Sam, who may only be 10, but who was also the only person around me that day who has known me for 10 years.  It was comfortable, and sometimes tired feet need the comfort of old shoes.

     The next evening, the kids and I had stopped for a quick bite to eat after soccer practice and as we were getting ready to leave I hear, "Hey, Johanna..."  My first thought is that surely there's someone else in Chick-fil-a named Johanna because I don't know enough people around here yet to happen to have the coincidence of bumping into one of them while I'm out.  And silly as it may be to say, that's actually one of the harder parts of being "new"...in the "old", I loved the fact that there weren't very many places I could go without running into someone I knew.  (aside from the times when I might have run out of the house still in my pj's for one reason or another...those were times I didn't mind not seeing anyone I knew)  Anyway, turns out someone had in fact recognized me and was saying hello to me.  Funny how it's sometimes the little things that feel so big just when you need it.  (Thank you, Becky :-))  The little things that continue to make it worth it to keep trying on the new shoes, even walking in them a bit, till they're just as comfortable as the old shoes.  After all, my favorite pair of shoes today were once new as well. :-)

     As wonderful as it is to be known and called by my name by someone who recognizes me when I'm out, how much more amazing when I think about how the God of the universe also knows my name, and calls out to me (Isaiah 45:2-3), desiring that I would acknowledge Him and allow Him to meet my needs perfectly whatever they might be.  And He hasn't just known me a mere 10 years, but even before I was born He knew me! (Psalm 139) He knew what my name would be, where I would be in this very moment, and that it would be He, Himself who would be the perfect fit for everything I lacked.  He doesn't desire that I merely be comfortable, He is my comfort. (2 Corinthians 1:3)

     "I will go before you and make the rough places smooth; I will shatter the doors of bronze, and cut through their iron bars.  And I will give you the treasures of darkness, and hidden wealth of secret places, in order that you may know that it is I, the Lord, the God of Israel, who calls you by your name." Isaiah 45:2-3

     "O Lord, Thou hast searched me and known me...For Thou didst form my inward parts; Thou didst weave me in my mother's womb.  I will give thanks to Thee, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; wonderful are Thy works, and my soul knows it very well.  My frame was not hidden from Thee, when I was made in secret, and skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth.  Thine eyes have seen my unformed substance; and in Thy book they were all written, the days that were ordained for me, when as yet there was not one of them.  How precious also are Thy thoughts to me, O God!  How vast is the sum of them!  If I should count them, they would out-number the sand.  When I awake, I am still with Thee." Psalm 139:1,13-18

     "Blessed be the God and Father, of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort; who comforts us in all our affliction so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God."  2 Corinthians 1:3-4